nomans_land | (no subject)

[ Vash is not okay. Vash is a whole mess -- he's still covered in dust from playing earlier, but that not unusual. The tear tracks on his face and his red puffy eyes? That's not normal, not for a happy-go-lucky kid like him.

When he sees Nai, visible relief washes over him. He doesn't even wait for Nai to drop the net before throwing his arms around his brother and holding him so close it's a wonder they both can still breathe. ]

I'm not gonna leave you! Ever!

[ he can see the mess on vash's face, but worse is the discordance between them through their connection. it's all he has to go off of before vash is rushing at him with a strong embrace that it nearly has nai stumbling. but he drops the net to wrap his arms around vash in return, fretting. ]

Vash? [ his hand comes up to rub slow circles into his brother's back, knocking their heads together lightly. ] I know you won't.

Did... something happen?

[ His feelings are such a jumble even Vash doesn't know what's going on in there. He's frightened, and angry, and so so sad, but also fiercely protective and loving of Nai, of all his brothers really, every Knives ever. Even that soothing hand on his back isn't really doing much to calm him down. ]

I know. [ He's mumbling into the side of Nai's neck, but hopefully his words are clear enough. ] I know about the crash. [ His grip on Nai tightens, if such a thing is even possible. ] Why didn't you tell me?

[ ah, he thinks. there it is.

nai could give all sorts of excuses, reasons to explain why he didn't or didn't want to say anything, but in the end he decides to say nothing. he falls silent, staring over vash's shoulder at the shifting sand beneath them.

vash knew now. he couldn't consider it a secret when just about everyone knew and he knew that they knew when they looked at him, clocking him as the one who destroyed everything. a path paved with good intentions leading them into the bowels of hell itself.

at least with vash he could be honest. ]

... I was afraid. [ of what he'd think of him, that same look of sadness that every other vash gave him. he didn't want to see him regard him with such heartache, too. ] Do you... hate me?

No!

[ Vash pulls back at that, just enough to look Nai in the eye. There's still a lot of feelings swirling around inside of him, but none of the anger is for Nai. Not one single bit. ]

You didn't do anything! It was the other Nais, and Knives, not you. [ And before he can ask... ] And I don't hate them either.

[ He leans into the hug again. Some things are easier to say without looking at the person they're being said to. ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about her, after. I'm sorry I didn't see how scared you were.

[ something tight clenches in his chest when vash looks at him, such strong conviction in his voice that makes his throat tense. if there was a time for truth, this was it. ]

I understand... why. [ a pause, hesitating as he gathers the words in the right order. ] If I hadn't come here, I would have done the same. There was no other choice.

[ he'd already planned the crash, formulating a course of action in the wake of tesla's discovery. ] Your name was next to hers... I needed to protect you, Vash. [ he knows it was different between their universes, different timelines with little differences, but nai felt justified still. his voice falls even quieter, fingers clutching at vash as if fearful he'd pull away from nai completely. that fear still ever present, never far enough away for nai to be free of it. ]

[ That's not at all what he was expecting to hear, and he won't deny yhat it's a shock. Still, it'll take a lot more than that for him to give up on Nai. ]

We could have left. [ His name hadn't been anywhere near hers, in his world, but he'd known then that there was the very real chance that he and Kniv-- that he and his brother were next. He'd ever said as much to Rem, then. Had his double in Nai's world done the same? ] You're right, we needed to get away from them, but killing them all wasn't the answer, Nai.

[ There's still no anger in his voice, and the arms around Nai are strong and sure. ]

I wish you'd said something. [ No, it's not all on Nai's shoulders -- it was his mistake too, not seeing how frightened his brother had been. ] I wish I'd said something. We could have...we... [ He's thinking through this, okay? Give him a second! ] ...We could have taken one of the smaller ships, maybe, been gone before they even know we were missing.

[ And it would have broken Rem's heart, but would it have been better or worse than knowing your child murdered everyone? ]

You have to tell me these things. You have to let me protect you, too. We're a team.

What about our sisters?

[ nai could admit he'd been scared, still was, even. unable to wash the stain of fear from his heart, but there was more to it, too. ]

Left shackled and used by them... and if another independent was born after us? There's no promise that Rem could protect them like she had us. [ as much as she could have, but nai wasn't ignorant to the precarious safety she'd bought them for now. the scales could always tip in the direction of tesla's demise at any moment.

if he thinks about it for too long, the fear morphs into something hotter. anger burning him up, a lit match on the edge of losing control. nai falls quiet, closing his eyes as he turns his head to brush his face against vash's neck. ] Vash... my Vash- he can't protect himself, not like you can. [ the dynamics are different, but the more he talks the more it feels like excuses falling from his lips. he doesn't know what to say or how to express the feelings sitting in his chest right now.

nai pulls away, only enough to bring both hands up to cup vash's face between them. eyes locking with his, nai brushes his thumb over his brother's mole. ]

I promise, no more secrets. We're a team, after all.

[ No, okay, there's no guarantee that Rem could protect future independents, so maybe just taking a ship wasn't the answer, but there had to be something! Some way to keep them safe, to keep all the other plants safe, and to not kill all those people! What they did was awful, but they didn't all do it! That little kid, in cryosleep that they'd seen? The little girl they thought might be their friend? Did she have to die because of what a couple of people had done to Tessla?

But before he can get all that frantic mess into words, Nai commands his attention with his hands on Vash's face, to remind him that they're not brothers, not really. They're a team, like Vash had said, but Vash isn't his brother, his Vash.

He should be happy with that promise, happy that there's no way for Nai to do what all the other Nais and Kniveses did... and he is! But it hurts, too, the thought that he's really all alone here. The reminder that he'll never see his brother ever again.

His brother, who is all alone now too, somewhere. What does he think happened? Does he think there was an accident, that Vash is hurt or dead in a distant part of the ship? Or worse, that Vash was taken by the scientists, like Tessla had been? If he was scared enough before to... the wreck the ships, to kill all those people, what would he do now that Vash is missing? What's going to happen to him?

Nai doesn't have those answers, although Vash stares hard into his face, willing answers to appear. Nobody here does -- there won't ever be answers, because they can't ever go home.

Please, he wants to go home. ]

No more secrets.

[ It's taking everything he's got not to burst into tears again. But Nai thinks he's strong, so he's going to be strong. Stronger than all the other Vashes, strong enough to keep Nai safe from everyone who's going to want to hurt him for something he didn't even do. Vash takes a deep, shuddering breath, and nods, trying to put that ache away. There's nothing he can do about it, and crying won't help any. He has to be stronger than that. ]

And no more people getting mad at you for something you didn't do.

[ Oh, when he finds out which Wolfwood it was, they'll all going to find out just how strong he is. ]

[ he watches his brother's expression struggle, knowing vash's pain like his own. even with the differences between them, that wouldn't change. their connection to each other proved that, didn't it?

vash was his brother, his other half.

nai bumps their foreheads together briefly, unafraid to meet the conflict in vash's eyes with his own. ]

I know you miss him, too. [ just like he missed his vash. it was a uniquely awful grief to know he might never see his twin again, one that was ever present and aching in his chest. but he missed his brothers' here, just as much. whether when they leave for supplies or for octovern, heavy with secrets he knows they're keeping from him. he misses them, too.

nai turns to press a soft kiss to his cheek, before wrapping his arms around vash again. ]

Yeah, good luck with that. Don't waste your energy on it, Vash. [ he knows a lost battle when he sees one, already toughening himself against that look. he didn't ask for others to understand him, but maybe that was the problem. ]

No, it's not fair.

[ He leans heavily against Nai, his arms tight around his brother, rocking them both slightly back and forth. Fear and grief and anger... all these things are exhausting, and part of him just wants to lay down and close his eyes and rest, to let somebody else solve these problems for him.

Perhaps that what those other Vashes did, he thinks, the idea a cruel spike through his heart. And see what happened? He has to be better than that. He will do better than they did. ]

After what you were gonna do to protect me? I'm not as smart as you, but I'm strong, right? And I'll get stronger.

[ Hurting innocent people is wrong, and he'll argue that point forever. But hurting bad people? Isn't that called justice? ]

I can protect you too.

[nai carries his brother's weight with ease and despite the ever lingering weight of sadness that seemed to hang at the edges of his thoughts, he can't help but feel fond. there were so many things in their lives that were terribly unfair, a suffering unlike anything anyone could understand outside their connection. they were born unique and different and with that came a curse, a blessing, and something in between both.

he wanted something better for himself and their family. they deserved happiness too, a life free from the pain and humiliation brought by humanity and the ideals pressed upon them by their creators. and here, especially, vash deserved that life more than anyone.

nai pets back vash's hair, letting himself smile just a little.] You're smart in ways different from me, you know. We complete each other.

[they were better together, as a team. it was them against the world, as it always had been from the very beginning.]

I don't want to go down the same path as our future selves, Vash. We can be better and maybe... we can be happy, too.

[there's some guilt in admitting it out loud, but it's the truth and vash deserves to hear it.]

[ Happy. He'd been happy back on the ship, Vash thinks, still swaying gently with Nai. Even when he was tired, or upset, or when he and Knives had been fighting, they'd still be happy underneath all of it. Big brother Knives isn't happy -- he's nice, and thoughtful, and really seems to like having him and Nai and Tessla around, but in his heart, Vash thinks, deep in the middle of him, Knives isn't happy. And the Vash he'd met just a little bit ago hadn't seemed all that happy... although to be fair, Vash had come right at him, angry and looking for a fight. But they all have wanderlust, don't they? They're all afraid of their brothers, stupid and scared and lonely, and he can't imagine any of them are happy.

That would have been him, wouldn't it? If their sisters hadn't brought them all here from their worlds, he would have still been on the ship with his Rem, and Knives, and he wouldn't know just how scared Knives was. He'd just be playing and laughing like nothing ever happened, while his brother would be planning something terrible to try and keep them both safe.

His grip tightens around Nai, but he's not crying or hiding in the crook of his brother's neck this time. His eyes are dry as he scans the desert around them, watching for trouble.

And then they'd have landed here, on this awful rock of a planet, and they'd have just fought and fought and fought and been apart for pretty much the rest of forever, until they didn't even know what happy was anymore, and they'd never ever have known that they could have been any different.

He has to go talk to their sisters, he decides. He has to thank them. ...And maybe ask if they can send a message home. ]

It'll be better this time. For us.

[ And maybe, if the old ones see them doing it different, maybe they can be a little happier too?

...Oh crap, Rem! ]

We should tell Rem. That we're okay.

[ That we don't hate her. ]

[ nai sees vash alert, protective, and it strikes something warm in his chest. they shared the same worries, and nai would be lying if he said he didn't also love holding vash's attention. if he basked in it quietly, what was wrong with that?

what he didn't like were the worry lines between vash's brows, wanting to reach up and smooth them away until he was smiling again.

he lets his hand fall to lightly tug at vash's ear, raising an eyebrow. ]

Is Rem worried? Vash. [knowing rem was back home worried about them... ] Why would Rem be worried?

[ It doesn't feel quite right, being so still and serious. It won't last -- he needs to move, needs to chatter about a thousand unconnected things while bouncing off the walls and eating something that drips everywhere, but if he needs to protect Nai, then he'll need to work on being serious sometimes.

Maybe big brother Knives can help with that. ]

It's 'cause I made her tell me.

[ He shakes his head at the tug on his ear -- it feels ticklish, like bug legs! -- and while he doesn't let go of Nai, he does pull back, enough to talk to his brother face to face. This, too, needs to be serious, he thinks. Serious things are so difficult! ]

She thought I was gonna be mad at you, and now she probably thinks we're both mad at her.

[ Which they aren't, right? At least he's not! Everyone else on the planet knew about the Fall except Vash, but he's always been the silly baby, so it makes sense that she didn't want him to find out and be sad.

He wishes he'd known sooner, but maybe not telling him was the right thing to do. If she'd told him before he'd found Tessla, before talking with big brother Knives, would he have felt the same way? It's impossible to know. ]

Don't be mad, okay? I really did make her tell.

Hmm...

[ rem thought vash would be upset at him, a fear not unfounded. even nai had been a little worried himself, although he'd never admit it, even to himself. it was easier to say it didn't matter if vash was upset or not, because that wasn't what mattered.

vash being safe and happy - that was what mattered.

but in the end, that little thread of worry was still there. if he didn't then he would have told vash much sooner. the relief of knowing vash wasn't angry or upset enough to refuse him... even as he frowns at vash, he can't conjure any hint of heat behind it all. only love, and appreciation seeped in warmth. ]

I'm not mad. And I'm not mad at her, either. [ he gives vash's ear another tug before his expression lightens just a fraction. ] We should talk to her together, that would help her feel better. [ rem loved them, and kni loved rem. she held a part of his heart, separate yet close to vash in ways he couldn't put into words just yet. rem was rem, his human mother. vash loved her, he knew this much, but he wondered just how his older selves felt, too.

kni bumps their heads together lightly, arms reaching up to wrap around vash again. ] So, what about you?

[ Nai pulling on his ear again is doing a lot to help lighten the mood, actually. He's gonna stick a wet finger in Nai's ear if he keeps it up, but it's definitely helping the mood! ]

What 'bout me?

[ Nai's not mad. That's a relief, for a bunch of reasons! Mostly, if he had been mad, then that would've meant that he wanted to keep all this a secret from Vash still, and that wouldn't be okay at all. Little secrets are okay, dumb things, but big stuff? They have to tell each other the big stuff -- they have to. How can they watch out for each other otherwise?

(And there's still that mean little voice at the back of Vash's mind that says that maybe Nai didn't want him to know because he's too dumb, too much of a baby to be trusted with something this important. That nobody told him about the ships and all because they didn't think he could handle it. Because he needs to be protected.) ]

[ no more ear pulling - for now!

but kni does sigh, eyes searching vash's as he gathers his thoughts. everything felt loose and out of control, unable to properly grasp at even one thing. this reality was a nightmare only because he knows what he's lost to be here. ]

I don't trust humans. They'll never understand us, even the good ones. [ 'good' but the word felt constricted. he didn't have the experiences that his older brother had, so he supposed with the way things were now, he could try to understand. things had changed, regardless of whatever nai wanted to happen. so he would adapt. ]

But we can understand each other. I want to know everything about you. [ his hand comes up to brush through vash's wild mop of hair. ] And you can know everything about me. That sounds fair.

[ It really just wants to stand up on its own! Add in the dust and sweat of living on a desert world, plus only bathing every few days to conserve water, and he's definitely already got his adult self's distinctive broom-headed style!

...He might just shave it all off. It'd be easier to take care of, all things considered. ]

Yeah. [ He leans in, to rest his forehead against Nai's. It's almost the same feeling as the connection he had with Knives, almost. Everyone else might have kept the truth from him because they didn't think he could handle it, but Nai was just scared. He can't be mad about that. ] Yeah, okay. That's fair.

[ And he has to admit, deep down, that Nai's not totally wrong about humans. Rem made a horrible mistake once and he knows that he can trust her with their safety now forever, but there's so many other people in this world who don't feel the same way. He's been listening to the radio, and there's a lot of people on there talking about the missing plants, and a monster in the sky, and the ships from Earth. A lot of those people have been saying things about plants -- both their dreamy-drifty sisters in their bulbs and the independents from Earth -- that make him wary.

Maybe there's other good humans out there, but the good ones sure aren't talking on the radio about the 'plant problem'. ]

I'm glad you're here. [ He leans in more, so they're temple to temple, cheek to cheek, and Vash feels his tension drain away as Nai's presence helps quiet the anxiety rattling through him. Glad is the world's biggest understatement -- he's not sure he could handle all this alone. They aren't meant to be alone. ] I'm sorry you had to leave him, but I'm glad you're here with me.

[ nai can't stand the radio, from the terribly jerky and loud jazz musical numbers being played to the sounds of humans talking - arguing, tones sharp and instigating, he didn't want to focus on those things. after all, he had more important tasks at hand to concentrate on instead. his gate abilities were amateur at best, and knowing he could be better only pushed him to train harder. as if he didn't already have a world's worth of reasons to reach his peak potential right here in his arms. ]

I'm sorry, too. [ vash left his own brother to be here, two lost souls finding each other again despite everything in the way. slowly he rocks them side to side, brushing their cheeks together. their connection pulses in tune with how nai's heart squeezed. ] But, maybe... maybe they'll find each other, like how we found each other, too. If anything is possible, I want it to be that. [ it feels like wishful thinking, something nai tries hard to avoid simply to distance himself from painful letdowns, but for his brother and for vash's he hopes beyond hope that maybe it can be true.

nai presses another kiss to vash's cheek, uncaring if the taste of sand and sweat touch his lips. ] I'm happy too, Vash. [ and then, quieter, ] I love you.

[ Vash is a grimy mess! But after clinging to Nai so tightly, so's Nai. Everything they have belongs to the other one too, right? Love and grief, toys and dirt. No secrets between them, and no boundaries.

It's enough. It'll be enough.

There's too many feelings swarming around in Vash's chest, and they come out in a giggle. ]

I love you too.

[ He gives Nai his own big smacking kiss on the cheek, then steps back, grabbing Nai's hand and pulling him toward the station. ]

Come on. We've gotta talk to Rem.

[ She's going to be sad, and that'll be hard, but if they're together he can handle it. ]

[ that's all well and good and true, but nai would like to have less of vash's grimy dirt on him usually. preferably.

nai rolls his eyes when he feels that gross, wet kiss vash leaves on his cheek and pushes back the urge to wipe his cheek clean as vash grabs his hand. ]

Oh, you do, huh? That's sooo embarrassing!

[ like he didn't just say 'i love you' a moment ago, opting instead to tease vash as he's pulled along back home. ]

Not as embarrassing as your face!

[ Sure he's got the same face, but that's not the point of stupid sibling insults! Reality doesn't factor in.

At least when they head back to the station, and Rem, things are good between them. Vash is even smiling, although the big grin fades some as they approach Rem's place -- he wasn't very nice to her a couple minutes ago, and while he knows he has to apologize, it's still never easy to actually do it. ]

My face isn't nearly as embarrassing as yours! It's even covered in dirt, gross!

[ the sounds of light bickering and kni's laughter carry over the winds as they approach home. his chest feels lighter, hand in hand with vash giving him a strength he could never find anywhere else.

while vash may seem to falter, kni takes it upon himself to be the pillar for both his brother and rem here. he takes the lead in pulling vash inside as he calls out for their mother,]

Rem, we're back!

[ Rem hurries to meet them when she hears Nai call out, and the worry in her heart eases a little when she sees two squabbling twins looking like they're doing okay.

She smiles softly and walks up to her boys, leaning down a bit to ruffle their hair. ]

Hi, sweeties. Big Vash made some hot chocolate, I can heat it up on the stove if you want it?