nomans_land | In and around Octovern -- later

In and around Octovern -- later

0. A message on Radio Plant
It's not heard, exactly, telepathy doesn't work with the ears. It sounds like Knives - one of them anyway, threaded with a weariness he can't hide like this, and echoed with the feminine reverberation and power of a sister plant. He doesn't have the power to do it himself, but whether she's just signal boosting or if he'd taken the step to merge with her the way he did so many others ... is unknown.

Every plant will hear it, if all goes well. Including the very one Vash had headed out to try to confront..

Vash the Stampede, one of you, has decided to go to Octovern and reignite the conflict with my younger self in spite of it being quiet these past weeks. I know there's at least three more of you out there; I would appreciate it [irony etches that 'voice' briefly]if you could collectively make sure this doesn't go the way it did in the past. If I have to come out there myself, I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

So let's make sure it doesn't go that far. I am certain that together, all of you can find a way to resolve this with no further pointless misery for our own kind.

1. Just outside Octovern
The sour-faced young Wolfwood who picked Vash up only a few hours into his hike to Octovern hadn't been in the mood to talk. He was heading for December, he said, and didn't want to hear anything from any fucking Vash about why he shouldn't go there. Vash had tried to explain to him that Melanie and the kids weren't there anymore – they'd been taken away by Brad to the ship days ago, but Wolfwood didn't want to hear it. He needed to see the place for himself, and Vash, on a similar mission, couldn't argue the point. So Wolfwood drove in silence, and Vash was able to close his eyes and get some real sleep – only occasionally interrupted by strange dreams, including one where his brother tried to warn him about heading for Octovern! Aren't dreams strange? – for the first time in what felt like weeks.

The cliffs around the city – and the remnants of the ship that had crashed there – made for an excellent vista point, so that's where Vash headed first. From the top of the cliffs he could see the whole city, and clear signs of a fight that had to have happened several days ago, perhaps longer. There's scorch marks on the cliff face, craters around the city, military vehicles mixed in with the refugee vans and trucks... but the city itself seems pretty peaceful. It looks like Knives was right -- the fighting is already over.

2. Main St and Market, downtown Octovern
Given the state of the rest of the planet, walking into Octovern is a delightful surprise. There's people here, more people in one place than anywhere else on Noman's right now. Refugees and locals, crew from the Earth ships and local military police, they're all mingled together in one big, bustling town. The streets are full of vendors, cars, people, all talking and shopping and arguing and laughing as though the terror of the last year never happened.

There's some excitement at the end of the block, though, raised voices and a lot of movement... and then, startling the crowd, sudden gunfire! Out of the crowd comes a single man, wearing a red coat and with spiked up black hair with a blond streak, running as fast as he can, and behind him? Behind him are a lot of people – bounty hunters, a couple local feds, people waving guns and autograph books, a whole mob of folks, all hot in pursuit, all yelling: “It's Vash the Stampede!

Help?

3. Out in the desert, heading back to July
He's escaped the mob, but given how many people are looking for him now, it seems best to take the long way back, and avoid any additional attention. His brother, this world's Knives, and this world's Vash, have both vanished. The war is over, the plants have been rescued, the Earth leaders are meeting with local government... and he's not needed at all. It's a relief – of course it is! – but he's spent so long dedicated to this fight that he's not really sure to do with himself now that it's over.

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He let him take as long as he needed, sighing and resting his cheek between his shoulders as he settled into the spot beside him, and when the keening turned into wailing, the hands rubbing his back wrapped around him as best he could and just held him. There was a small part of him that realized how rare it was for this man to break down like this, something that was so strange, given how used he'd become to these sort of outbursts being the norm, even if not usually to this degree. He could have sat and stewed on that, but honestly, it wasn't even worth it. Making sure he was ok was far more important, especially after the number of times he'd done the same for Nick.

When he felt him begin to unfold, he gave him just enough space to get comfortable when he finally set up, but he didn't fully pull away, either. Instead, he shook his head, resting his chin on his shoulder and keeping an arm around his waist.

"No, Blondie, I'm fine. You're allowed to feel what you feel. Don't worry about me." It was almost irritating, the way he wanted to deflect and put his focus on Wolfwood instead, and might have set him off just a bit if he wasn't already used to that being par for the course. "We've got time. It's not far, so don't rush yourself. We can take a few minutes. I insist."

Because he also knew that Vash would probably also try and deflect from that, too. They certainly had a few people to locate and check in on, and he suspected another one had just been added to the list, if his assumptions about the identity of the woman on the radio were correct. But he seriously doubted waiting long enough for Vash to stop feeling like a broken husk of a man would take so long that the people they were looking for would be gone by the time they found them.

He would have argued, most days. Right now, he had no energy, so he just leaned against him a little, letting his cheek rest against Wolfwood's hair. It took many more breaths before he managed to find any words.

"I had not... paid attention to the date. It's... Rem couldn't know, but it's the date when I destroyed JuLai. The date when my brother tried to erase who I am. To do that, he took me down my memories until we were very little, taking away everyone. In the end, he c-- he took off Rem's head. It - I never expected to hear her voice again." He was still not crying, too tense to do so, too deep in the chaos of it all. But his breathing was staggered, hard, the words almost disjointed in how hard they were to come out. "The last time I did, outside of that time... I was one year old. She took us to a lifepod, strapped us in, then remained behind, to save as many of the ships as she could. Anyone alive on this planet right now is here because of her. And I can't... I can't even be happy to know she's alive out there."

It should have occurred to him, perhaps. If Nai from before the Crash was here, why not Rem?

He let him lean, the arm around his waist brushing his fingers up and down his side in soothing little circles, and just let him talk. After Nico and Wolfwood had found Vash at Lina's house, he'd never really felt comfortable asking about what had happened, had simply taken what Nico had seen as enough to know that whatever it was, it had been very different from the event that resulted in the hole in the moon back home. And Vash hadn't ever seemed like he wanted to talk about it, which was fine by him. Especially given the guilt he'd still been living with over what had transpired in December, and over the fact that he'd been dropped into Vash's lap against his will, forced on him when he already had his own problems to deal with.

In some ways, this...sounded worse than what had happened during the Fifth Moon incident, and it made the anger he felt over the atrocities Knives had committed even stronger. At the same time, he wanted to take the little bits and pieces of his life that were being offered, the little explanations, and hold them in his hand, protect them, especially knowing that it sounded as if there had been a real possibility that he'd almost lost something so precious to him.

It...also made him realize that the date held more significance for Nicholas, too, than he'd initially realized, and the thought hadn't occurred to him until just that moment, too unimportant when put against the weight of everything else.

"I hadn't noticed, either, but July had the same date back home, too. I never knew what yours...or what Needle-Noggin's birthday was. Never really celebrated them when I was little, don't know what mine is, so it just...never occurred to me. I'm sorry, Vash. I really am. That's a level of cruelty that nobody deserves, especially not you." He turned his head, pressing a small kiss to his temple before settling his chin back on his shoulder where they'd been resting before. "Sometimes when he was asleep, Needle-Noggin would mumble things. Lots of times, it was just gibberish, but...if he was havin' a bad enough nightmare, he'd say this name. I never asked, it wasn't my place to pry if he wasn't comfortable talkin' about it, but it was obvious this Rem was important to 'im. I just always thought maybe it was a girl he'd lost over the years."

And oh, in a lot of ways, that almost felt like it would have been a kinder answer.

"You were so young. I knew it had to have been when you were small, just doin' the math, but...that really puts it into perspective, honestly. So...you call her by her name, but...I'm guessin' she was like your mom? Was she another Plant, like the two of you, or-...?" He rubbed his thumb reassuringly against his side again, thinking quietly for a moment after the question trailed off. "It's alright if it's too much for you to process right now. Somethin' that bad happening when you were so young is...that's big." Honestly, it certainly went a long way to explain some of Vash's particular quirks, both of them. He'd grown up seeing enough kids go through severe trauma at very early ages to know that it didn't go away easy, if ever. They always seemed broken, somehow, even when they were able to begin the process of rebuilding their lives in the aftermath. "Just...give yourself time. We don't have to rush into anything right now. We can focus on what we're here to do, and then once we've found Needle-Noggin, and Nai, and...little Vash, and Nico...we can go lookin' for her. Or between, maybe. Whenever you're ready."

At this point, they were going to end up having a little army of themselves and those closest to them, once they found everyone. It was a strange thought, but...he couldn't help but smile a little at it.

"At the very least, from what I'm hearin', she deserves a bit of my thanks for helpin' so many of us out. You think a "thank you" card is good enough for somethin' that big? Oh, and...um...I mean...I get why you might not feel like celebratin' it too much, but...if I'm remembering the dates right...this is the same day I met you. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse, but..." He shrugged, smirking a little, hoping the tiny bit of levity would help pull him out of his head, just a bit. "At the very least, you've made my life a bit better. So thank you, too."

Vash's breath hitched, and hitched again, at Wolfwood's words, gentle and kind as they were.

"Yes. It was the day I met you, too." Another reason why he'd thought to get away. So it wouldn't seem as though he couldn't stand that part of the day. It was the best part of that day, that and the fact that Nico and Meryl and you survived."

He paused for a little more. Then started again, slowly. "Rem was-- is. Rem is human." Another hesitation. "Nai and I were not the first Independents to ... be born. There was another one before us, a girl. Nobody expected something like that to happen, and as everything unexpected and unknown, they tried to... understand her. In the scientific experimental way." His voice shook. Trailed off. Picked up again. "Fifty years later, the two of us came. And Rem... was awake from cryosleep when we did. So she - hid us. To make sure it wouldn't happen to us. She raised us. A mother, indeed, a very doting one." This part, there is finally some inflection, some lightness to his voice. "Then we found out about Tessla, almost by chance. And Nai couldn't forgive humans. So he." A hand waved towards the sky, palm quickly folded out of sight.

"He was also a year old. And then humanity worked hard to not disprove him. It was really harsh, in the early days, and the plant suffered so humans can think they can thrive. And so since I couldn't join him, I was against him, I guess."

He took a deep breath, and shifted a little. Not out of the hold, but a little straighter.

"When I heard Rem's voice, and thought of the date... in JuLai, he even... wished me a happy birthday. It was suddenly too much, everything. All the lives destroyed because of me. Rem's was the first, and everyone in the Crash. And all those since." A shrug, of the shoulder Wolfwood was not leaning on. "I'm better now, I think."

Edited 2023-07-23 12:32 (UTC)

Any attempts at keeping the conversation lighter quickly faded away, along with the little quip he'd initially wanted to give that he was sorry that he had been one of the better parts of that day, when Vash continued, and each new detail about what had happened before the ships fell seemed to slot horribly into place with one of those memories that he'd seen in Needle-Noggin's memories; Data about a test subject, body parts supsended in giant vats filled with liquid, and suddenly everything fell into place like a steel trap, and he felt like he was going to be ill.

No wonder Nai had been so frightened of him. And the fact that as an adult, he would turn around and commit those same acts against Vash, and against countless little human children, did little to blunt the horror and sadness he felt for the boy he'd met in the abandoned December.

"Oh...oh fuck...Vash...Fuck, that-..." He had no words, nothing that would make any of that feel better. So instead, he reached out, and instead of holding him in a gentle, one-armed grasp, he wrapped both of his arms around him, practically clinging to him. "It's...it's just like Livio, only so much worse." And even disregarding what it had done to Nai, Vash's own unique, intense brand of trauma was so much easier to understand, in a way.

But then Vash said something that made his heart twist and he was immediately reminded of all the times he'd blamed himself, said things that made it obvious that he felt like all of it was his fault, and if it had all felt like bullshit before, it was downright nonsensical, now!

"Vash, no. You didn't destroy anyone's lives! Don't you get it? This started so much earlier than you! This isn't even on Nai! You're just victims in all this! You can't hurt children like that an' be shocked when it breaks 'em! It's a fuckin' cycle, Vash, an' sometimes the kids that grow up gettin' hurt grow up only knowin' how to be hurt, when the others only know how to do the hurtin' themselves!" He groaned suddenly, remembering how having those memories shoved into his head had ended, and he buried his face in Vash's shoulder, shaking his head. "Fuck. And I just hurt 'im, too, didn't I? I just made it worse. No wonder the little guy was so terrified of me."

He pulled a gun on a kid who'd already been traumatized and was actively terrorized by the mere existence of people like him. There was so much to unpack there. So many layers of guilt and shame and awful behavior. And still, none of it was on Vash. In the end, from the sounds of it, Vash and Rem were possibly the only ones in this entire generations-long cycle of horror that should have been able to walk away with a perfectly clean conscience.

When Vash said he felt like he might be better, he held him a little tighter, not feeling like he was quite alright anymore. But he corrected himself, slowly letting his arms release until he could pull away, pressing a chest against the hollow-feeling ache underneath his ribs.

"Fuck. I really fucked up. He's just a kid...If I couldn't blame Livio for what he went through, I can't hate your baby brother, especially when he hasn't even done nothin', yet. I'm a fuckin' asshole. God, I'm sorry. I really hope we find 'im before he gets hurt again. He's got a chance, now, you can help keep 'im from breakin' the way he did before, but not if he keeps meetin' shitheads like me out there."

Honestly, he'd felt bad about it before, after he'd managed to come out of the shock of what had happened. This just compounded it all into a deep shame.

Vash blinked, surprised a little. "What happened to..." A breath out, even as he held on the arms around him with his right arm, in turn. "It's all right, if it's not your story to tell." One more person to worry about, but then again, given the way Nico had reacted on the sand steamer, he was already worried.

Then he froze, slightly. You didn't destroy anyone's lives. "The crater where JuLai used to be would beg to differ." It was not really an argument, he was really too drained for one, but even if he understood Wolfwood's argument about the Crash - understanding being different from accepting deep inside, but it was a start - there was so much he had messed up, after. Irreparably.

But then he could focus on Wolfwood coming to the realization of just horrible what he had done back in December had been, and he winced. "It's why I put myself between you. I couldn't allow you to do it. For both your sakes. Everything felt so much, so raw, not thinking clearly was just how we all were." He had tried. But, perhaps, it had been too late when he managed to break himself out.

"You both wanted to protect Vash. You are the adult, and you understand that. He... will need to be reassured, probably over and over again. One day, I hope, in this place where things are a little better, in a way, that it will help him be less afraid. Of everyone. And that includes you."

He couldn't take away that pain. There was nothing that he could say that would make Wolfwood feel less guilty. In a way... they were both helpless against so much that burdened the other.

He couldn't leave Octovern without a final visit with his sisters. With their sisters -- it was the habit of a lifetime to think of himself as somehow important, somehow necessary, but this wasn't his world, and they weren't his sisters. That responsibility was shared now, too, with the potentially dozens of copies of himself covering the planet.

The plants in Octovern had been, for the most part, very proud of their efforts. From their perspective, bringing him and the others to this world had succeeded -- this world's Vash had lived, had succeeded in his quest, and now there were so many more Red Brothers to keep the people of the world safe.

They hadn't answered when he'd asked about the worlds they'd all left behind.

Already new bulbs were being brought in, the plants being rehomed and sent around the planet to the places they'd do the most good. There was some sorrow in their songs as they told him this, because they weren't being sent back to their same towns, with their same partners. Some plants who had been alone since the Fall, who feared being isolated that way again, had even merged with another of their sisters so completely that he couldn't tell they were ever two separate beings.

He wanted to join in their celebrations of those unions, but all he could think of was the desperation in Knives's face on the ark as he'd threatened to do something similar. Loneliness really was the cruelest punishment someone could inflict on another, wasn't it? It made him even more certain that the decision he'd made on the road to Octovern was the right one.

It gave him plenty to think about as he walked to the next town, hopeful that here, at least, he might be able to find a meal, or possibly even a room, before the long walk back to July.

The last thing he was expecting was to sense a plant just outside of town, and in great distress.

At first he'd been worried that it was one of their sisters from the ark, who had somehow become separated from the rest and was suffering out here all alone. But as he approached, that concern quickly faded into joy.

Wolfwood. And another Vash, possibly the one he'd met in December? The other Vash was in pain, though, screaming his grief in a way that even Vash, with his limited abilities to hear others, could sense.

"Hello!" he called, while still some distance away, not wanting to sneak up on either of them. Not when they were in such a state. "What's wrong?"

His brow furrowed even as Vash said he didn't need to explain and he shook his head, his expression a mixture of bewilderment and resignation.

"Honestly, I probably wouldn't be able to explain real well, anyway. I only found out right before-...well...finding you. And I don't know that I understood exactly what he was talkin' about. Let's just say it wasn't just the Eye that messed him up, they just exploited it."

And then they were back to that old argument, and he frowned, but more out of concern than anger, because after what he'd just said, even after what Nico had explained, what he'd said Meryl and him had seen just before JuLai went up like a third sun, it was so contradictory to what Vash kept telling himself, and he knew that words couldn't really make it better, not when the demons in your head were that deeply entrenched, but he still hated the thought of him carrying that guilt.

"Vash, you just told me your brother tried to...what...force a long-term amnesia on you? Take away everything you are? And Nico told me what he'd seen in JuLai, about how the two of you were fightin' over somethin' he wanted to use to hurt everyone. You were tryin' to save 'em all. You'd just been abused, again, and you were tryin' to protect a whole bunch of other people from bein' hurt. It's not your fault, an' I'm gonna keep sayin' that until it sinks in, even if it takes me until I'm old and grey."

Which, admittedly, wouldn't be all that long, which was another intrusive thought that popped back up into his head and made his face screw itself into another frown as it wove itself into the rest of the awful that he was feeling. So. How long was that list of shit he needed to deal with, now? He still hadn't properly made up for December, not to mention the rest of his miserable, violent tendencies before that, might have gotten Vash separated from Nico, that was still a vague possibility even if he knew he wasn't d-Oh yeah, of course, desecrating a man's grave, hurting Nai, knowing no matter what he did, even if he was able to properly apologize to Vash for what he'd put him through, he was still going to end up hurting him, them, again in a few measly years, anyway, and in a way that he had absolutely no control over.

He gave a pained groan, shaking his head and trying to push the thoughts away. It wasn't doing anyone any good, Blondie had asked him to work on not spiraling to the worst case scenarios. His fucking nihilism was his own worst enemy, and it was a damn hard habit to break.

"I'll stay back when we find 'im again. He's gonna need you, and I know I'm not exactly the most reassuring of people even if you aren't already afraid of me. Then we can...I can...I don't know. I really don't. There's so many things we're juggling right now, I'm not used to huntin' down this many people at once, and we can't just leave him alone, or the kid we found in that town when we find him again, I-...?!?"

His breath caught in his chest in a tiny sort of wheeze when he heard the voice in the distance, and his head shot up, his eyes wide as saucers.

"Oh, Thank God!"

But oh, no, how did they even know it was the one they were looking for??? He shook his head and sighed, throwing a hand up in a wide, half-hearted shrug but reaching over to rest his other hand back on Blondie's back. He didn't want to just leave him here, he said he was alright, but Nick really didn't believe him, and charging up and blubbering at another Vash who didn't even know what he was about to start rambling apologies for would just make him look like a madman.

That didn't mean his face still wasn't trying to twist itself into upset grimaces as he tried to keep from breaking down from a combination of immense relief and also deep shame, the heavy, visceral, physically painful guilt that had hit him at that gravesite in December roaring back to life, now that he might have found the man he needed to beg forgiveness for so much to.

"N-Nothing's wrong. Get over here. Please." He certainly didn't sound like he was fine, but he was not going to shout their problems out across the desert, where God and everyone could hear them. And maybe once he got closer, he'd be able to tell if it was him, or another other version tossed out of his world like the rest of them.

Vash opened his mouth to explain that when JuLai was destroyed, Nai had already fallen away, flesh flayed from his bones by the discharge of energy that Vash hadn't been able to contain, and the destruction had been all, and only, Vash, but the image in his memory of what Nai had looked like. Nai is dead. You killed him.. It all made him need to double up again, bile rising fast in his throat.

But then there was someone else, another Vash, and he dug his fingers into the sand, gripping the tiny flakes so hard that he could feel them sink into the flesh of his palm he had wounded earlier, himself. The sharp sensation anchored him, and after a moment so did the hand at his back. His left hand reached to touch the elbow of that arm. I heard you.

"Ah... sorry. I was brought to recall some things that I'm... apparently not strong enough to just smile away. It's fine, nothing immediate, no danger imminent." Refusing to even come close to touching his powers unless absolutely necessary, at least the powers he unleashed that night, counted , sort of, as being in control of them, right?

Something Wolfwood had said earlier registered. July was destroyed on the same date in their world, also. It helped him focus, and even while his stomach was far from settled, it was easier to handle.

To ignore.

"You all right, yourself?"

He wasn't fully sure, not at this distance, that it was the Vash they met back in December, but the lack of shock at Wolfwood's presence suggested that it might be.

IF so, at least this wouldn't be the first impression of him. Because now he was feeling self-conscious and guilty, for being unable to handle himself. On top of everything else.

This Vash doesn’t have the slightest idea what day it is. Ever since he arrived, time seems to be moving differently for him than for everyone else – a trip he expected to take three days seems to have lasted several weeks, and often he doesn’t even end up in the place he was going. At first he thought he was just losing time, which was frightening enough, but now he’s almost certain that it’s a residual effect of the spacetime warping that brought them all here, like ripples on a bathtub.

So he doesn’t know why Vash is so distraught, doesn’t have any idea what memory he could be lost in… but it doesn’t matter. It’s a place he’s been before and, thanks to a dear friend, he knows a solution.

“That’s so terrible!” he chirps, coming over to kneel next to the two men. He only spares Wolfwood a brief glance – his attention has to be on Vash right now, sorry – but that glance should leave no doubt as to which Vash this is. They have a lot to talk about, this quick look promises – please stay.

And then he’s back, focused on Vash, kneeling right beside the man and holding his hands out for Vash’s, if he would like to take them. “I just so happen to know a magic trick to help with that, but I’m going to need your help, okay?” He sounds like a kindergarten teacher – he sounds like Milly. His expression is as open and bright as he can make it, smiling kindly as though there’s nothing wrong in the entire world. “We need to find a rainbow. Can you help me find something here, right now, that’s red?”

Come focus on the world around you, Vash, instead of whatever nightmares are in your head. Come be here, be present. It’ll be okay.

Vash was curling up again, and he wasn't quite sure what he'd said to set him off again, which only made him want to fuss at him more before the other Vash's presence managed to stop the spiral, and he was left sitting there, looking between the two of them with obvious concern on his face. He wasn't as good at hiding the way he was feeling, anymore. The glaring, scowling, frowning and sneering that he'd so often used as a physical barrier against the outside world before December had seemingly taken a back seat to more open looks. So when Needle-Noggin looked at him, told him with just a look without even needing to be told it was in question, that it was him, that he should stay, he just stared back and nodded, eyes wide and watery and with a look that said yes, please, he had so much to say, laced with pain that he was having trouble hiding.

But then, oh, oh, Blondie asked how Vash was doing, and it hit him, that the other looked so composed, and he wondered if he knew, how he was able to be so calm, when he remembered the effects that remembering July had caused, even if his eyes had been shot to shit and he hadn't been able to see the results. He'd heard it, and he'd overheard Milly and Meryl talking later, and when his sight had returned, he remembered the hollow look that had been in Vash's eyes and how much pain he had been in.

He stared at him, worry clear on his face before shifting to confusion at the way he chirped, at the "magic trick" he was trying to do. He recognized the intonation, the obvious influence of the Big Girl as clear as the sky, but for the life of him he couldn't figure out what the Hell he was trying to accomplish.

So when he started asking Blondie to name something red, he looked down at the other man, back again, and even though he wasn't the one who was the subject of the exercise, his mind answered the question, too.

Vash's coat? That's red. Why does he need to find something red? What good is this supposed to do?

Vash blinked at the other him, the expression, the tone of voice familiar as breathing, if not the words themselves, and he managed a small smile. He did hold out his right hand, the left one not moving from where it was, even as he started to explain.

"It's not that bad, really just memories, they--"

We need to find a rainbow.

Rainbow.

Vash had not thought of rainbows since Rem was telling him about them, way back then, and no, he did not even reach the red part, he was doubling over again, the emotions unchecked. Loss and grief and guilt and a thread of hope that made the rest hurt more, and Rem.

After a few long moments, he managed to take a proper breath. His voice sounded almost calm. Almost bright.

"This world. It seems that not only did it bring several of us, and a young Nai. It brought in a Rem. She made a broadcast this morning. It - took me by surprise."

That explained things, right? He didn't need to bring up the date, not when Wolfwood had told him it matched.

It's just a silly little game, really, one that Milly had played it with him once when the world in his head had been so much louder, bloodier, crueler than the world outside. He'd found it grounding, distracting, kinder than a slap and safer than a drink, a way to remember where he was, to put the past in the past, even for a little while.

But what game could possibly complete with Rem, alive and well and here?

"Oh. You didn't know." No, of course, that would explain it. It had been enough of a shock for him to learn that Rem was alive, when he'd been just a little ways from her, talking with young Nai. To hear her voice suddenly on the radio must have stirred up so many memories. Even now, even having met her again, thinking of Rem brings up visions of his own Rem, the last time he'd seen her. Her bravery. Her fear. Her love for them both, and the loss after loss that had followed.

With a deep breath, he shakes off his own recollections, hands still outstretched for Vash's. He offers them up again -- here, brother-self, be grounded? -- but if Vash continues to ignore them he'll let his hands fall to his sides. His attention never wavers from Vash, though -- although the warmth of Wolfwood at his side is a fire that he'll turn to shortly -- and his smile never fades. Because she's alive. Their memories might hurt, but here's a balm! He can go see her, hold her, talk with her! She's here!

"She would love to see you. She's building a house, with room for us all, did you know that?" There's a place for Vash there, if he wants it! Although... now his smile cracks, just a little, as he shoots a glance at Wolfwood out of the corner of his eye. Vash is welcome there, with the little ones, and all the family. Wolfwood, though...

Well. They need to talk, don't they?

"What did she say? In the broadcast?" It can't have been bad -- the hole that's been seen there can't be threatening her station house, surely, or Vash would have led with that. Perhaps she was calling out to all the Vashes, to invite them home? Perhaps she was looking for someone? He'll have to get the radio frequency from Vash, or Wolfwood, here shortly, and set his receiver accordingly. If she's making announcements, he wants to be sure he hears them!

All of the confusion he felt over the strange little game evaporated into more concern when Vash doubled over again, and he reached out, leaning over him again and rubbing his back as he held the hand on his elbow with his other.

"Hey, hey, Blondie, it's alright, breathe, remember?" He couldn't help but glance up at Needle-Noggin, almost looking helpless. He didn't know what to do, he wasn't used to dealing with emotions like this, not in a way that wasn't snarling and grousing and deflecting away from how uncomfortable it made him with a facade of carelessness and irritation. And even when Blondie found his voice again, the worry didn't leave his face.

But then Vash wasn't surprised, and while Nick was for that fact alone, he couldn't help but feel a glimmer of his own relief and the look on his face softened, because that was one more worry off their plate, one less person to look for and fret about, and he almost started to look happy through the worry. Finally, something good was happening to them, and if anyone deserved good things to start coming their way, it was these two!

They needed even more to find the kids, now! Nai and little Vash could finally have their family again, these two could have their family again! If there was anyone who understood how important that was, it was Nicholas, and he couldn't help the watery little smile that started to want to make itself known on the corners of his mouth. For once, things were looking up, and it had been so long since that had happened, it was frankly a bit of that weight he'd been carrying off of his shoulders.

And then Needle-Noggin asked what she'd broadcast, and he felt his blood run cold again, the hint of that smile dropping away even more quickly than it had appeared.

Did he not know the date? Or was their birthday on different days? Fuck, he kind of hoped it was the latter, at least then he wouldn't have to see both of them in pain.

He didn't know if Blondie would want him to explain for him, so he held his tongue even as he gave a worried glance up at the other, but if he needed to, he would. And all the while, he continued to rub circles against his back, hoping to ground him even as he vacillated between despair and calm.

Vash didn't quite see the smile, but he felt the way Wolfwood relaxed, and that helped him too, as well as Vash taking this part well enough. He was sitting up again, then Wolfwood tensed up again, and Vash had something to focus on now. And yes, he did take the other Vash's hand, his own a little worse for the wear.

"She introduced herself, and had some wishes for her boys. Both." He... could not bring himself to say Nai's name just now. Or even think it too much. "It was so... normal." He closed his eyes, rubbed the back of his head with his left hand before returning it to holding on to Wolfwood's elbow. "I never thought I'd hear her voice again. Sorry for worrying you both."

He slowly took a look around, to get his bearings, and made a bit of a face on finally noticing Wolfwood had run off after him without his shoes. Of course. This man gave so much of himself...

The smile was still verging on a grimace, but he made an effort.

"We should head back. There's shade, and a nice home-made lemonade." The tangy, watery taste could get past his current reluctance to eat anything. The smaller Vash had not taken nearly enough food with him when he took off, either.

She had some wishes for her boys, says Vash, as ordinary as anything, but he saw that expression on Wolfwood’s face. There’s something they aren’t telling him. Something that had brought Vash all the way out here, overcome by his memories, something that had made Wolfwood follow without even putting his shoes on.

If she was hurt, they’d tell him. He has to believe that. Whatever else was said in that broadcast, whatever is really happening here, if Rem or the little ones were in danger, he has to trust that these two would have told him. Rem probably said something about Nai, he thinks, giving Vash’s hand a gentle squeeze – he hasn’t looked, but he can feel the grit and blood on the other’s palm – and Nai could bring up any number of memories for Vash.

They only aren’t saying anything because they don’t want him to worry. He can trust in that.

“Shade and lemonade are two of my favorite things!” It’s just a memory, right? Those hurt, but they can be pushed down, far into the bottom of the gut, far enough away that they don’t even ache anymore. The rainbow game might not have helped any, but lemonade certainly will! “It’s one of the best things in the whole world, isn’t it? Sitting in the shade on a beautiful summer’s day with a cool, refreshing drink. Let’s go!”

Keeping Vash’s hand in his he stands, tapping Wolfwood’s bare foot with his own booted one once he’s upright. “And how about you?” Keep it light, he tells himself, his smile broad and honest. Everything’s fine. “Are you gonna make it, or are you going to be asking for a piggyback ride halfway there?”

To be honest, there was a lot more than what had happened with the radio that he hadn't touched on, yet, but he couldn't deal with that right now, not when Blondie needed the support, and not when he suspected that Needle-Noggin hadn't figured out exactly what was going on. He wasn't stupid, they weren't stupid. It was easy to tell that he was at least honed in on the fact that there were things left unsaid, though Wolfwood honestly couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was that told him that. But then maybe he just was no longer used to just how sharply he'd always been able to read him, after years apart. And that just brought back all the guilt he'd been carrying since they set out from December again.

And oh, now that they were starting to pull apart and talk about heading back, and now that he'd started to come a little bit more out of his head, the fact that he was back was coming back to the surface of his focus, and all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around him and cling for a bit, apologize properly like he hadn't been smart enough to do the other day. Make up for ruining the reunion he never thought he'd be blessed enough to have with one that was less fucked.

But first, to get them back to town. And, well, yes, for him to finish getting dressed. Shit. Had he left the door to their room unlocked? He didn't think he had his key. Fuck. He sighed to himself, groaning softly before Vash knocked his foot with his boot, and he blinked, looking down and then back up at him before he shook his head, wiggling his toes and climbing to his feet.

"No, I'm fine. It's still early enough, the sand isn't hot." Something still felt...off. He had a lingering sense of foreboding that he didn't think had anything to do with his worry that both of them were bottling things up, and he couldn't put his finger on it.

But...there would be time to deal with that later. He reached over to gently poke Blondie in the back of his ribs, a playful jab that barely had any strength to it at all and was mostly meant to get his attention, but also did the job of trying to put back up his cool facade.

"I think we need a new rule. Stop apologizing because something upset you and you think it's worrying us. I'll stop worrying when-..." Don't say 'I'm dead,' not in current company, nope, don't do it. "-I damn well want to. Just like you will, right? We care about you, it just makes sense we want to make sure you're alright. Anyway, come on, a drink sounds good. Though maybe best not to start the day-drinking this early. Which is a mental note to myself by the way. I don't want to have a repeat of what I did the last time..."

What he did want was to be able to put an arm around each of them and walk with them back to town that way, but Needle-Noggin was holding Blondie's hand on the other side of him, and he suspected Vash needed the comfort more than he did, right now, so instead, he wrapped his arm around the small of Blondie's back, sidling up close enough to him that he could tuck himself under that bottle-green arm, and then reaching even further with his hand until he could grab onto Needle-Noggin's coat, letting him keep his hold on the man between them but letting himself have some of the contact he needed, too. Unobtrusive, easily broken if it wasn't wanted, but still clearly a little outward sign that he had missed him and was happy he was back.

No, if Rem had been in danger, they would have been having an entirely different conversation. Vash was avoiding the centerpiece, but he was not lying. He was out here because of memories, and memories alone. Things he could not change, and usually kept deep, deep inside, but right now they had exploded and overwhelmed him in the worst possible way. And memories that, perhaps, could be bad for the other Vash as well, for all their differences.

But the rainbow exercise, while it didn't work as such - there was no way for Vash to have known it would rub on what was already torn, after all - was not far off the mark. Having specifics to focus on, outside of his head, was helping. While he might still have been shaky, and rattled, and likely far too pale, his eyes were now focused rather than glazed over or hollow, and the smile was solidifying a little as he squeezed Vash's hand back. "It's... pleasant, yeah."

Then he made a bit of a face at Wolfwood. "I apologize because I am sorry. It feels like a bit of an overreaction, now." His voice only wavered a little. But also... while there were times that he had broken down this badly, if not many, in the past, he had usually been alone. Being cared for, becoming the center of attention, as now? It was precious, it made him feel warm inside, which, juxtaposed against the memories of JuLai, of Nai, made him feel guiltier and more undeserving. Something he was carefully skirting away from, for the sake of not crashing back down again. It was the last thing either of the other two needed.

And probably himself, either.

He swallowed, hard, and let Wolfwood arrange them, close, not letting go of the other Vash's hand unless his was let go of, and then he would sling his arm around his shoulders, holding on to them both.

"Lemonade. A drink of lemonade, Wolfwood. Harder stuff can wait, right?"

And the last was to them both. He remembered that Vash had nudged Wolfwood about wanting to drink, himself, too.

No, nothing harder than lemonade, that's a good choice. He hums a little in agreement, happy to stay close to Vash's side, and with Wolfwood's hand tight in his coat. As much as he would love a drink or twelve -- it's been a long decade, okay? -- he may still be able to do something for this Vash here, and he should be sober for that. Last time he had spoken with them both, they were going to go dig up a grave, and now with Rem's announcement, no wonder he's having a rough day! Maybe Vash here would like a drink, huh? He didn't before, in December, but after the week – month? – he's had, this might be the time to start. This might be the ideal time to lern about how well alcohol can blur away things like that, at least for a little while.

And as for Wolfwood...

He has to be careful not to look too long in Wolfwood's direction, because he's going to get caught staring like a big soft fool. But he can't help it! Somehow they've both come out the other side of this war alive... and okay, there's still some hurdles that they need to address, some things that will need to be said, but he's not thinking about that right now. Right now he's really just wants to look at him, walk with him, listen to his voice. Stand beside him, and feel his warmth.

Apologize to him, god, so many times. For everything.

“Speaking of sorry,” he offers at last, “I owe you both one for leaving like that. I swear I didn't mean to!” Well, that's not entirely correct, is it? “I mean, I was going to leave, but I didn't mean to sneak out in the middle of the night!” He would have at least waited until morning! “Would you believe, I woke up three feet in the air out by J--”

Does Vash here know that Rem is living next to the ruins of July? Sorry Vash. Sorry if this is new information. “Out by Rem's place. Next to July.”

Whatever forces conspired to drop her station next to the ruins there, Vash would very much like to talk to them about their choices.

He sighed, but the sound was gentle, not as put out as the expression he gave back would have implied it to be.

"Alright, I'll correct myself. Stop feelin' like you're not allowed to be upset. But I know I'm just..." Talking to a brick wall? Sometimes it felt like it, but that was harsher than he wanted to be, when Blondie was already beating himself up for being an imposition. "Sayin' things I think I've already talked to you about. And don't go feelin' bad about that, either. I know you can't just shut it off. Just...don't beat yourself up like that."

Because that was one of the things they'd talked about, right? One of the things they'd argued over, insomuch as fussing and worrying about each other's inability to shake off their mental demons and trying to talk each other through it was "arguing."

He nodded, leaning just enough against him that he wouldn't knock him off balance, but his presence would be more easily felt as they walked, and his fingers rubbed gently against the material of Needle-Noggin's coat, the old, familiar texture helping cement in his mind that he was back, he was real, both comforting and heart-wrenching at the same time, though he did his best to keep the stronger emotions from flaring up.

"Yeah, just lemonade. Nothin' stronger for me for a good, long while, thanks. That hangover the day after was, frankly, one of the worst I think I've ever had." Though whether it was due to the alcohol or the things they'd done and the turmoil it caused him, he wasn't going to think about right now.

He could feel Needle-Noggin's eyes on him, short as the glances were, and everything in him wanted to look back, to just pull him aside and hold onto him, indulge in the need for contact and reassurance and the safety of knowing he was back, but he forced himself to focus. He knew once he stopped to pay attention to him fully, he wouldn't be able to stop his own little breakdown, especially not once the he began the monumental task of trying to put everything he wanted to say into words. He was so immensely happy to have him back, there was no denying that, but there were also so many things he needed to address, so many big, heavy things he needed to apologize for, that he hadn't even really properly recognized until the very recent past. He still hadn't had time to actually process it all and figure out how he would even begin to start trying to make up for everything he'd done, but he was here, now, and that was what was important. He could just...fumble his way through the specifics in a bit, the way he'd been doing pretty much everything important, lately. It was honestly par for the course, at this point.

The apology managed to make him lift his head and glance around Blondie's head at him in mild confusion before he realized what he meant, and he shook his head.

"Look, you don't need to apologize for that. He told me it was one of the weird shifts, right? It's not like you can control that. And you're here, now. That's what matters." Not that the fact that he had planned to leave hadn't hurt a bit at the time, but his behavior the other day had pushed him to that, hadn't it? It was his own fault. "I..." He cut himself off, his own apology on the tip of his tongue before he realized that that would just open the floodgates, and there was too much to get out here, he needed to wait. So he just sighed, gently. "Look. Once we're back and settled...we can talk about things then, ok? There's stuff I should have said before, but it'll be easier once we're back. If you'll hear it, I mean."

He turned a small smile his way, but there was a sadness to it that he would have preferred not be there. He wanted to make things right, all of it, but it felt like so much, and there was still that little voice in the back of his head that said he didn't deserve the chance.

The mention of July caught him off guard, though, and suddenly he just looked shocked, and maybe a little bit offended at what just had to be the universe's idea of a cruel joke.

"July??? Why's her place all the way out there???" And holy shit, didn't that make it hard for him to go visit her? Was that even a healthy place for them to try and build a home for all of them??? "Shit, we should find a better place for you guys! How easy do you think it'd be to pick up and move house?" Probaby not very, but at least it would be better than the two - or more - of them being next to a place that would be a constant source of so much pain.

Vash was easing up, the warmth in the way the other Vash was looking at Wolfwood loosening something in him. Whatever he had found, it had not made his feelings whither in anticipation of what might happen. I can't watch him die again.

That had to be a good sign, right?

He was starting to properly relax, lulled in the hold between, them, when Vash mentioned the location and he just tripped over his own feet, holding on tighter against them, instinctively.

He didn't say a word, he did not hang limply on their shoulders, but the tension had returned.

And so had some of the mental screaming, even though he tried to stifle it.

Rem was near JuLai. His brain circled that fact over, and over, and over again, refusing to process it. Wolfwood's words flooded over him, and there was comfort in his reaction, but it was currently reaching though to him slowly, sluggishly.

In the end, he manages a small response of his own. Almost just a sound.

"Oh."

Oh is a good way to put it. He keeps a tight grip on Vash as the other man stumbles, sympathy -- empathy, really, because he knows exactly what that distress feels like -- guarding his expression and keeping his face turned away from Vash, to give the man some semblance of privacy to pull himself back together. Yes, Rem is living at the edge of July, her station house overlooking the ruins of the city he destroyed. The grave, of everyone he'd killed there.

"She doesn't know." His voice is quieter than it was a moment ago, but still level. He'll grieve over this old wound later -- for now, that pain is pushed as far down as it'll go, deep enough to turn July's corpse into a sinkhole. To be fair, he's not certain what Rem knows, but he can't imagine that she'd be living at the edge of July if she had any idea what that place meant to the Vashes. "I didn't... I wasn't there long. It didn't come up."

He doesn't want to say it aloud, but under that statement is a plea -- he didn't tell her then, and he doesn't want to tell her now. Every Vash that's arrived, as far as he can tell, has come to her with tears in their eyes and grief in their heart. She already knows about the Fall, about Knives's act of mass death. He doesn't want her to know about his butcher's bill, too. How could she deal with that? Knowing that both her children caused so much pain and suffering? Not for his own sake -- he knows what he is -- but for hers. He can't do that to her.

"How could I tell her something like that?"

Vash didn't grab onto him for support when he tripped, but that didn't mean Wolfwood's free hand didn't instinctively shoot out to grab him by the glowing pauldron on his shoulder anyway, trying to help him keep his footing. He kept one eye on him even as he listened to the other talking, looking between them with obvious concern before he gave a sympathetic grimace.

"Oh Hell, Needle-Noggin, you'd know better than I would. I hardly even remember my mom, I wouldn't have the foggiest clue how to talk to her about the weather if I met 'er again." He let the hand holding the shoulder armour shift down to the fabric of his coat so that he could give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, the hand on the man at the end of their little chain reaching to put a more substantial press against his side. It was awkward, wanting and needing to comfort both of them at once, especially when they were in motion the way they were, but damn if he wouldn't try, anyway.

"I mean, maybe don't give her specifics. Just that you were there when it happened, and it's upsetting to have to see the ruins every day you're out there. Worst case scenario, there can't be much out that way, right? It'd be safer to move the family closer to a place with more resources. By the time I was-..." And there was, his mind dimly supplied, another reminder that he was both too young and too old for the things he'd been through. "Old enough to be in the field, there wasn't really a reason to go out that way."

Oh, Vsah was definitely holding on to both. And appreciated both, even with a new wave of guilt following in the wake of his reaction.

It took him a while more to get words to work, and his voice was also quiet, and flat.

"It's all right, Wolfwood. It just keeps taking me by surprise, right now." And there it was, the other reason why he had been out there. Although it clearly had not been the where...

"When I'm prepared for it, it won't be like this." It would still hurt, of course, but wasn't it right to do so?

A little more, and he managed to articulate another thought. "If she is building a house for all of us... then she has met many. And that means many went there. So, perhaps, the location is because people end up there. Willingly or not."

He was trying. He didn't sound well, but he was trying to not drown in the memories once more.

He can hear the strain in Vash's voice, feel the tension in his body. Really, so long as he pretends that it’s Vash who’s distressed by the idea of Rem living next to a grave they created, and not them both, then it’s so much easier.

What’s a little self-deception, among friends?

“They do. We do. End up there, I mean. She really is collecting us!” Because Vash is right – they do seem to be drawn to that place, at least on this world. Which is odd, now that he thinks about it. Like Wolfwood said, there’s nothing out there, nothing but the memory of pain. Back in his world, he hadn’t been near July since… well, since. But here? Here they’ve been flocking to the place.

He's wondered it before, and the thought occurs to him once more – given the way that the city was destroyed, the energy that was expended there, is there something strange, now, about the city itself? Knives said there was a hole there too, one that disappears and reappears. Did they – did he -- do more damage than he’d originally thought?

How do you even measure a place for spacetime disturbances? A change in gravity, perhaps, that only plants can feel? He’d ask their sisters, but…

“There's so many to choose from now. There's even a little one, about the same age as Nai.”

Wolfwood’s hand is warm in the middle of his back, and Vash briefly closes his eyes, letting that small touch flood through him.

“They both live with her.”

And shouldn’t that be a joyous thing? A Nai and a Vash, getting to grow up with Rem, and a whole gaggle of family running around? They all made their choices and will live forever with the consequences, but the little ones get a fresh start. Isn’t that something to cling to, other Vash? A small piece of hope, that not every iteration of them has to end up this way?

“And that’s where I’m headed, now that I'm not needed here.”

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