The way Vash seemed to just crumble when he reached up to hold his face was certainly not surprising, but it still made a small stab of grief lance through Nick's chest. The calming feeling Blondie was sending out was, helpfully, able to keep him from breaking down the way he had before, but his face still pinched against it in a little frown.
It was his turn to wrap his arms around him and hold him tight, his hand unconsciously moving to brush through the hair at the nape of his neck in a way that wasn't dissimilar to the way he'd done for him.
"I'm sorry, Vash. I'm sorry." When he began rocking them this time, it was to soothe the man he held instead of himself, his cheek pressing against his shoulder so that he could cast a tear-streaked but thankful gaze over to Blondie where he continued to hold them both. If he hadn't come back, he wasn't sure what-...
And then the words hit him, hard enough to hurt even through the calming mood he was sending out, and Wolfwood's face shifted from worried to grief all over again. It was easier for him to keep from losing control of himself again, but it was impossible to hide the fact that hearing those words, regardless of which of them had said it, hurt. He struggled against the urge to break down crying again with Vash, managing to settle himself enough after a moment that even though tears still rolled down his face, he was able to smile over at him, giving him a small nod and reaching out to put his arm around Blondie's shoulder, too.
That cynical voice in his head wanted to snarl that of course he hadn't meant it like that, not when he had Nico out there somewhere, but after everything that had happened the past few weeks and the way Vash's feelings had finally sunk in despite his own self-hate after all this time, he knew better. And that...that just made it more painful.
But he was still calm enough that he buried the pain for now, putting it away to process it after they had gone. He couldn't let himself lose control again, not when Vash was obviously in so much pain.
"I...I love you, too. Both of you. So much." And oh, the dawning of that realization would only add to the hurt when they were gone, he knew, but that was fine. He should have seen his feelings for what they were earlier, shouldn't he? But he was, if nothing else, absolutely terrible at wrapping his mind around what was in his heart until it was too late.
He shifted just enough that he could press a kiss against Blondie's cheek, pulled away to do the same for Vash before pressing his cheek against his and holding him tight.
"You gotta take care of yourself, Vash. Please. You'll be ok, but you have to be kinder to yourself. This was all my fault. Maybe...maybe it's just better this way, huh? I won't be able to keep doin' this to you. So take care of yourself."
He kissed his cheek again before turning to give Blondie a sad, imploring look, the arm around him rubbing small circles in his shoulder. He had no idea what was happening, did he?
"I can't go with you to your family home. Not after what I did to your little brother." He blinked around his tears and looked away, sighing and rocking the three of them together unconsciously. "I'll find Nico for you and tell 'im where to find you. I...please...please take care of 'im for me, ok...?" He gave a small shake of his head, his eyes glancing to the side to the other man in his arms. He wasn't talking about Nico or Nai. He knew they'd be well cared for. And, logically, he knew Vash would, too. But he knew how hard they were on themselves, individually, how much hurt they carried. Maybe if they looked after each other, they could be ok. They cared so much, loved so much. Maybe together, they could help hold each other up without him.
The thought made him pull away from Blondie just enough that he could wrap his arms back around the other man, hugging him tight and tucking his head into his shoulder. He worried so much about him, he had for a lot longer than he had ever been able to admit. About both of them, even, but...it wasn't hard to feel that one of them had broken even more than the other, somewhere along the way, and he suspected he was the cause of a not insignificant amount of that break. He wished more than anything he could be the one to care for him, but he'd already burned the bridge he would have needed to cross for that to happen, and he couldn't take that back.
"I love you, Vash. I'll always love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and it doesn't matter that you're not Him. I know the man you lost would have felt the same way, and he wouldn't want you hurtin', ok? He'd want you t'finally be happy."
It was hard, to get the words out, his voice strained and quiet, but he meant every one of them. If this was the last time he saw him, he should at least tell him the truth. He held him tight, trying to memorize the feeling of him, every shape and texture of him in his arms, the sound of his voice even as he cried and the smell of the frankly ridiculous amount of product he used for his hair. He didn't know what he was going to do, now that he'd found him again only to have to leave him for good. It was best not to think about it when Vash was already so upset and doing so would set himself off all over again. Luckily, the soothing aura Blondie was giving made his mind let the worries and anxieties of what came next slip through his fingers before he could really grasp onto them. That could be a problem for future Nicholas.
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It was his turn to wrap his arms around him and hold him tight, his hand unconsciously moving to brush through the hair at the nape of his neck in a way that wasn't dissimilar to the way he'd done for him.
"I'm sorry, Vash. I'm sorry." When he began rocking them this time, it was to soothe the man he held instead of himself, his cheek pressing against his shoulder so that he could cast a tear-streaked but thankful gaze over to Blondie where he continued to hold them both. If he hadn't come back, he wasn't sure what-...
And then the words hit him, hard enough to hurt even through the calming mood he was sending out, and Wolfwood's face shifted from worried to grief all over again. It was easier for him to keep from losing control of himself again, but it was impossible to hide the fact that hearing those words, regardless of which of them had said it, hurt. He struggled against the urge to break down crying again with Vash, managing to settle himself enough after a moment that even though tears still rolled down his face, he was able to smile over at him, giving him a small nod and reaching out to put his arm around Blondie's shoulder, too.
That cynical voice in his head wanted to snarl that of course he hadn't meant it like that, not when he had Nico out there somewhere, but after everything that had happened the past few weeks and the way Vash's feelings had finally sunk in despite his own self-hate after all this time, he knew better. And that...that just made it more painful.
But he was still calm enough that he buried the pain for now, putting it away to process it after they had gone. He couldn't let himself lose control again, not when Vash was obviously in so much pain.
"I...I love you, too. Both of you. So much." And oh, the dawning of that realization would only add to the hurt when they were gone, he knew, but that was fine. He should have seen his feelings for what they were earlier, shouldn't he? But he was, if nothing else, absolutely terrible at wrapping his mind around what was in his heart until it was too late.
He shifted just enough that he could press a kiss against Blondie's cheek, pulled away to do the same for Vash before pressing his cheek against his and holding him tight.
"You gotta take care of yourself, Vash. Please. You'll be ok, but you have to be kinder to yourself. This was all my fault. Maybe...maybe it's just better this way, huh? I won't be able to keep doin' this to you. So take care of yourself."
He kissed his cheek again before turning to give Blondie a sad, imploring look, the arm around him rubbing small circles in his shoulder. He had no idea what was happening, did he?
"I can't go with you to your family home. Not after what I did to your little brother." He blinked around his tears and looked away, sighing and rocking the three of them together unconsciously. "I'll find Nico for you and tell 'im where to find you.
I...please...please take care of 'im for me, ok...?" He gave a small shake of his head, his eyes glancing to the side to the other man in his arms. He wasn't talking about Nico or Nai. He knew they'd be well cared for. And, logically, he knew Vash would, too. But he knew how hard they were on themselves, individually, how much hurt they carried. Maybe if they looked after each other, they could be ok. They cared so much, loved so much. Maybe together, they could help hold each other up without him.
The thought made him pull away from Blondie just enough that he could wrap his arms back around the other man, hugging him tight and tucking his head into his shoulder. He worried so much about him, he had for a lot longer than he had ever been able to admit. About both of them, even, but...it wasn't hard to feel that one of them had broken even more than the other, somewhere along the way, and he suspected he was the cause of a not insignificant amount of that break. He wished more than anything he could be the one to care for him, but he'd already burned the bridge he would have needed to cross for that to happen, and he couldn't take that back.
"I love you, Vash. I'll always love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and it doesn't matter that you're not Him. I know the man you lost would have felt the same way, and he wouldn't want you hurtin', ok? He'd want you t'finally be happy."
It was hard, to get the words out, his voice strained and quiet, but he meant every one of them. If this was the last time he saw him, he should at least tell him the truth. He held him tight, trying to memorize the feeling of him, every shape and texture of him in his arms, the sound of his voice even as he cried and the smell of the frankly ridiculous amount of product he used for his hair. He didn't know what he was going to do, now that he'd found him again only to have to leave him for good. It was best not to think about it when Vash was already so upset and doing so would set himself off all over again. Luckily, the soothing aura Blondie was giving made his mind let the worries and anxieties of what came next slip through his fingers before he could really grasp onto them. That could be a problem for future Nicholas.