I keep hurting you! Wolfwood protests, and Vash shifts automatically, that hand on the back of Wolfwood's head now stroking over his hair, Vash's fingers tangling in the strands, blunt nails gentle across his scalp. It's not the same soothing backrubs that Rem used to give him when he was little. This is... well. Arguably more intimate, for all that it's meant to soothe. Wolfwood is warm against him, solid, real, the scent of him so familiar, and Vash can't help it when his eyes close, just for the moment, to better remember every touch, every sound. I don't want to be alone, Wolfwood says, and it takes every last bit of strength in Vash not to turn his face to Wolfwood's and kiss him until every single one of those fears was allayed. God he wants.
He can't pretend that he doesn't hear the words under what Wolfwood's saying, either, the wanting there. I can't replace him, but. But. But drunk as he'd been, Wolfwood had kissed him back in that inn. Wolfwood had held his hand like it was the finest porcelain, had held on to him, awkward as it had been, on the walk here. Vash doesn't remember much after they'd found each other in December, but he's sure that part of what he'd shown Wolfwood had been the extent of his feelings for the man, and here he is, still here. Still wanting to be needed.
It's so unfair. He hadn't known how much Wolfwood meant to him until after he'd gone, and now that there's a chance to have that life, to have him, he's promised himself elsewhere. He's obligated elsewhere. That hand on the back of Wolfwood's head never stops, stroking gently through his hair and across his scalp, soothing. Steadying, he hopes. He's not feeling very steady right now, though.
“You deserve so much better than this.” He can feel Wolfwood beginning to protest before he's even done, and he presses his cheek to the top of Wolfwood's head before the other man can say anything. “No, please, Wolfwood. Nick.” He's never used that name before, isn't sure how it'll be taken, but he needs his words to be closer to this man, even if he's not allowed to be. “Nick. You won't be alone, I promise you.” Is that a promise he can keep? Maybe. Please, maybe.
“There's so many of us here now, you, and me. There's no reason to be alone ever again.” And that's not what Wolfwood means, that's not what he wants, Vash knows this, he knows, but it's the soft cushion for the blow that's coming, it's the promise he can keep, before he has to share the promise that he doens't have a choice about.
“And you'll always know where to find me, if I'm the one you w... the one you're looking for.” Why didn't he get drunk first. Why did he agree to this talk now, why didn't he just die when he was supposed to? “I'll be in July, with the little ones. I've promised...” No, it's bigger than a promise. This debt goes back much further than a promise to his black-haired brother a few weeks ago. “I owe Nai a safe home, a childhood, protection and love and... and everything he didn't have. Everything I denied him, by not seeing what was happening in time.” Rem had done more than any person could possibly have asked for, but she was only one person, and she was human. She didn't understand, couldn't understand, the twins the way another plant could. They needed community, and they needed stability, and Knives was right -- one of them had to step up.
And that wouldn't mean anything for the two of them, wouldn't mean a damn thing about what they could have with each other, except. Except for the problem of whatever had happened in December. Except for the elephant in the room. "And as long as he's afraid of you, I can't...” His voice trails off, unwilling to finish that ultimatum. Nai has to come first, that's all there is to it, no matter how much it hurts his friend. His dear, dear friend. His friend who deserves nothing but happiness, but all Vash has to offer is apologies.
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He can't pretend that he doesn't hear the words under what Wolfwood's saying, either, the wanting there. I can't replace him, but. But. But drunk as he'd been, Wolfwood had kissed him back in that inn. Wolfwood had held his hand like it was the finest porcelain, had held on to him, awkward as it had been, on the walk here. Vash doesn't remember much after they'd found each other in December, but he's sure that part of what he'd shown Wolfwood had been the extent of his feelings for the man, and here he is, still here. Still wanting to be needed.
It's so unfair. He hadn't known how much Wolfwood meant to him until after he'd gone, and now that there's a chance to have that life, to have him, he's promised himself elsewhere. He's obligated elsewhere. That hand on the back of Wolfwood's head never stops, stroking gently through his hair and across his scalp, soothing. Steadying, he hopes. He's not feeling very steady right now, though.
“You deserve so much better than this.” He can feel Wolfwood beginning to protest before he's even done, and he presses his cheek to the top of Wolfwood's head before the other man can say anything. “No, please, Wolfwood. Nick.” He's never used that name before, isn't sure how it'll be taken, but he needs his words to be closer to this man, even if he's not allowed to be. “Nick. You won't be alone, I promise you.” Is that a promise he can keep? Maybe. Please, maybe.
“There's so many of us here now, you, and me. There's no reason to be alone ever again.” And that's not what Wolfwood means, that's not what he wants, Vash knows this, he knows, but it's the soft cushion for the blow that's coming, it's the promise he can keep, before he has to share the promise that he doens't have a choice about.
“And you'll always know where to find me, if I'm the one you w... the one you're looking for.” Why didn't he get drunk first. Why did he agree to this talk now, why didn't he just die when he was supposed to? “I'll be in July, with the little ones. I've promised...” No, it's bigger than a promise. This debt goes back much further than a promise to his black-haired brother a few weeks ago. “I owe Nai a safe home, a childhood, protection and love and... and everything he didn't have. Everything I denied him, by not seeing what was happening in time.” Rem had done more than any person could possibly have asked for, but she was only one person, and she was human. She didn't understand, couldn't understand, the twins the way another plant could. They needed community, and they needed stability, and Knives was right -- one of them had to step up.
And that wouldn't mean anything for the two of them, wouldn't mean a damn thing about what they could have with each other, except. Except for the problem of whatever had happened in December. Except for the elephant in the room. "And as long as he's afraid of you, I can't...” His voice trails off, unwilling to finish that ultimatum. Nai has to come first, that's all there is to it, no matter how much it hurts his friend. His dear, dear friend. His friend who deserves nothing but happiness, but all Vash has to offer is apologies.