He was so focused on looking anywhere but at Vash, actually afraid of what he would see if he looked at his face despite everything he knew about the man, that he didn't see how much he was hurting until he was kneeling in front of him and taking his hand, and the attempts at reassurances and understanding and the hold on his hand just made him cry harder as he shook his head. He didn't have words to explain how much it felt like the reasons didn't matter. It was still a dark stain he felt on his soul, and he'd dragged Vash along, gotten him to participate in the whole sordid affair.
"I-...That's why I have t'find 'im. I can't...I can't leave him out there all alone, after I did that! I have to make it better, I need to bring 'im home to his family! I promised! I promised that Nick I'd take care of 'im. It's...it's...that's all I could think about, when..." It was so hard, getting the words out, talking about what happened that day. He'd spent two years trying not to think about it, burying it and pretending it hadn't happened, and yet every day had been a reminder of what he'd done, looking at Nico and at Blondie and knowing he should be dead, that he didn't belong where they were and that he'd left behind the kindest person he'd ever met, stabbed a knife in his back and left him broken and having to pick up the pieces all on his own. He gritted his teeth, growling low in his throat against the almost physical weight keeping his words buried, against the cruelty that had turned him into the man he'd become and destroyed the person he might have been. The person who might have had a chance at being able to do anything other than cause pain. "You...you were the only person who...who ever made me feel like...like anyone actually cared, and when-...I...for just a bit, when I should have...when I thought I'd died-...I woke up, and all I could think about was you, how much I was hurtin' you! I tried so hard to pretend like...like...like it was ok, so maybe...maybe you'd be ok, but I knew it was a lie!"
He wasn't sure what did it, whether it was the finally admitting to it after so long, or hearing why that body had been buried with so much care, having those fears confirmed and imagining Vash sitting there, waiting and breaking and knowing he was the cause of it, but for a long time, the only thing he could do was let out hard, painful sobs, gripping the hand holding his so tight against his chest and pressing his forehead against Vash's hair. It was like all of the pain he'd carried, all the guilt he'd felt for all of the things he'd done had finally come to a head, and now that he had begun to let it out, he couldn't stop. It was a new and horrible and excruciating feeling that he didn't know how to handle, and somewhere in the back of his head he remembered all the times he'd berated Vash for breaking down and hated himself just a little bit more.
Even worse, though, was the feeling of that hand on his cheek, and those gentle words of forgiveness, and it left him feeling hollowed out, empty of everything but the pain as he shook his head and clung to both of those hands as if they were the only lifeline he had in all of the turmoil inside of his head.
"I can't! I can't forgive myself!"
But then Vash was pulling away and giving him that sad, miserable smile, and he tried his best to get ahold of himself as he tried to make sense of what he was doing. It hit him like a blow to the head, what he was saying, and what semblance of control he had was shattered as he clutched at his hands, holding them so tight that a moment later he gasped at a sudden little jolt of worry that he was hurting him and pulled his hands away.
"Oh, God!" He sank to the floor in front of Vash as the words were growled out of his throat, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and clinging. He wasn't him, he wasn't the same man, and somewhere out there was another man, all alone and suffering and another laying dead, and he didn't know what to even begin to do with that information.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I can't be him, I wish I were him!" There was nothing he could do to make this better. There had never been anything he could do to make it better, any of it, no matter how much he had wanted to, no matter how much he'd wanted to break away from the things they'd made him do and be better than the monster they'd turned him into, and he felt so lost. "I don't know what to do, Vash, all I know how to do is hurt, it's all I've ever done, and I just keep doing it! You and Him and Blondie and- and- Nai and-...I want to be better, I want to make it right, but I don't know how! Please tell me how to make it right!"
As if this man, the man who wasn't even the same as the one he'd left broken and alone, could tell him what to do to make up for everything. It was an unreasonable thing to ask of him, and he knew it on some level. But he had been trying for two years to make sense of it, to know what his purpose was in everything, and now even that had slipped through his fingers like sand, when Nico had disappeared and they had found themselves in a world where even the mistakes he'd been so sure he'd been meant to stop him from making had already come to pass.
"I don't know what to do, I don't know why I'm still here! Why didn't they deserve to live? Why me? I was gonna take his place! I was gonna keep Nico safe! They could have had the chance I took away from us, and now I can't even do that! What do I do???"
no subject
"I-...That's why I have t'find 'im. I can't...I can't leave him out there all alone, after I did that! I have to make it better, I need to bring 'im home to his family! I promised! I promised that Nick I'd take care of 'im. It's...it's...that's all I could think about, when..." It was so hard, getting the words out, talking about what happened that day. He'd spent two years trying not to think about it, burying it and pretending it hadn't happened, and yet every day had been a reminder of what he'd done, looking at Nico and at Blondie and knowing he should be dead, that he didn't belong where they were and that he'd left behind the kindest person he'd ever met, stabbed a knife in his back and left him broken and having to pick up the pieces all on his own. He gritted his teeth, growling low in his throat against the almost physical weight keeping his words buried, against the cruelty that had turned him into the man he'd become and destroyed the person he might have been. The person who might have had a chance at being able to do anything other than cause pain. "You...you were the only person who...who ever made me feel like...like anyone actually cared, and when-...I...for just a bit, when I should have...when I thought I'd died-...I woke up, and all I could think about was you, how much I was hurtin' you! I tried so hard to pretend like...like...like it was ok, so maybe...maybe you'd be ok, but I knew it was a lie!"
He wasn't sure what did it, whether it was the finally admitting to it after so long, or hearing why that body had been buried with so much care, having those fears confirmed and imagining Vash sitting there, waiting and breaking and knowing he was the cause of it, but for a long time, the only thing he could do was let out hard, painful sobs, gripping the hand holding his so tight against his chest and pressing his forehead against Vash's hair. It was like all of the pain he'd carried, all the guilt he'd felt for all of the things he'd done had finally come to a head, and now that he had begun to let it out, he couldn't stop. It was a new and horrible and excruciating feeling that he didn't know how to handle, and somewhere in the back of his head he remembered all the times he'd berated Vash for breaking down and hated himself just a little bit more.
Even worse, though, was the feeling of that hand on his cheek, and those gentle words of forgiveness, and it left him feeling hollowed out, empty of everything but the pain as he shook his head and clung to both of those hands as if they were the only lifeline he had in all of the turmoil inside of his head.
"I can't! I can't forgive myself!"
But then Vash was pulling away and giving him that sad, miserable smile, and he tried his best to get ahold of himself as he tried to make sense of what he was doing. It hit him like a blow to the head, what he was saying, and what semblance of control he had was shattered as he clutched at his hands, holding them so tight that a moment later he gasped at a sudden little jolt of worry that he was hurting him and pulled his hands away.
"Oh, God!" He sank to the floor in front of Vash as the words were growled out of his throat, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and clinging. He wasn't him, he wasn't the same man, and somewhere out there was another man, all alone and suffering and another laying dead, and he didn't know what to even begin to do with that information.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I can't be him, I wish I were him!" There was nothing he could do to make this better. There had never been anything he could do to make it better, any of it, no matter how much he had wanted to, no matter how much he'd wanted to break away from the things they'd made him do and be better than the monster they'd turned him into, and he felt so lost. "I don't know what to do, Vash, all I know how to do is hurt, it's all I've ever done, and I just keep doing it! You and Him and Blondie and- and- Nai and-...I want to be better, I want to make it right, but I don't know how! Please tell me how to make it right!"
As if this man, the man who wasn't even the same as the one he'd left broken and alone, could tell him what to do to make up for everything. It was an unreasonable thing to ask of him, and he knew it on some level. But he had been trying for two years to make sense of it, to know what his purpose was in everything, and now even that had slipped through his fingers like sand, when Nico had disappeared and they had found themselves in a world where even the mistakes he'd been so sure he'd been meant to stop him from making had already come to pass.
"I don't know what to do, I don't know why I'm still here! Why didn't they deserve to live? Why me? I was gonna take his place! I was gonna keep Nico safe! They could have had the chance I took away from us, and now I can't even do that! What do I do???"