Any attempts at keeping the conversation lighter quickly faded away, along with the little quip he'd initially wanted to give that he was sorry that he had been one of the better parts of that day, when Vash continued, and each new detail about what had happened before the ships fell seemed to slot horribly into place with one of those memories that he'd seen in Needle-Noggin's memories; Data about a test subject, body parts supsended in giant vats filled with liquid, and suddenly everything fell into place like a steel trap, and he felt like he was going to be ill.
No wonder Nai had been so frightened of him. And the fact that as an adult, he would turn around and commit those same acts against Vash, and against countless little human children, did little to blunt the horror and sadness he felt for the boy he'd met in the abandoned December.
"Oh...oh fuck...Vash...Fuck, that-..." He had no words, nothing that would make any of that feel better. So instead, he reached out, and instead of holding him in a gentle, one-armed grasp, he wrapped both of his arms around him, practically clinging to him. "It's...it's just like Livio, only so much worse." And even disregarding what it had done to Nai, Vash's own unique, intense brand of trauma was so much easier to understand, in a way.
But then Vash said something that made his heart twist and he was immediately reminded of all the times he'd blamed himself, said things that made it obvious that he felt like all of it was his fault, and if it had all felt like bullshit before, it was downright nonsensical, now!
"Vash, no. You didn't destroy anyone's lives! Don't you get it? This started so much earlier than you! This isn't even on Nai! You're just victims in all this! You can't hurt children like that an' be shocked when it breaks 'em! It's a fuckin' cycle, Vash, an' sometimes the kids that grow up gettin' hurt grow up only knowin' how to be hurt, when the others only know how to do the hurtin' themselves!" He groaned suddenly, remembering how having those memories shoved into his head had ended, and he buried his face in Vash's shoulder, shaking his head. "Fuck. And I just hurt 'im, too, didn't I? I just made it worse. No wonder the little guy was so terrified of me."
He pulled a gun on a kid who'd already been traumatized and was actively terrorized by the mere existence of people like him. There was so much to unpack there. So many layers of guilt and shame and awful behavior. And still, none of it was on Vash. In the end, from the sounds of it, Vash and Rem were possibly the only ones in this entire generations-long cycle of horror that should have been able to walk away with a perfectly clean conscience.
When Vash said he felt like he might be better, he held him a little tighter, not feeling like he was quite alright anymore. But he corrected himself, slowly letting his arms release until he could pull away, pressing a chest against the hollow-feeling ache underneath his ribs.
"Fuck. I really fucked up. He's just a kid...If I couldn't blame Livio for what he went through, I can't hate your baby brother, especially when he hasn't even done nothin', yet. I'm a fuckin' asshole. God, I'm sorry. I really hope we find 'im before he gets hurt again. He's got a chance, now, you can help keep 'im from breakin' the way he did before, but not if he keeps meetin' shitheads like me out there."
Honestly, he'd felt bad about it before, after he'd managed to come out of the shock of what had happened. This just compounded it all into a deep shame.
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No wonder Nai had been so frightened of him. And the fact that as an adult, he would turn around and commit those same acts against Vash, and against countless little human children, did little to blunt the horror and sadness he felt for the boy he'd met in the abandoned December.
"Oh...oh fuck...Vash...Fuck, that-..." He had no words, nothing that would make any of that feel better. So instead, he reached out, and instead of holding him in a gentle, one-armed grasp, he wrapped both of his arms around him, practically clinging to him. "It's...it's just like Livio, only so much worse." And even disregarding what it had done to Nai, Vash's own unique, intense brand of trauma was so much easier to understand, in a way.
But then Vash said something that made his heart twist and he was immediately reminded of all the times he'd blamed himself, said things that made it obvious that he felt like all of it was his fault, and if it had all felt like bullshit before, it was downright nonsensical, now!
"Vash, no. You didn't destroy anyone's lives! Don't you get it? This started so much earlier than you! This isn't even on Nai! You're just victims in all this! You can't hurt children like that an' be shocked when it breaks 'em! It's a fuckin' cycle, Vash, an' sometimes the kids that grow up gettin' hurt grow up only knowin' how to be hurt, when the others only know how to do the hurtin' themselves!" He groaned suddenly, remembering how having those memories shoved into his head had ended, and he buried his face in Vash's shoulder, shaking his head. "Fuck. And I just hurt 'im, too, didn't I? I just made it worse. No wonder the little guy was so terrified of me."
He pulled a gun on a kid who'd already been traumatized and was actively terrorized by the mere existence of people like him. There was so much to unpack there. So many layers of guilt and shame and awful behavior. And still, none of it was on Vash. In the end, from the sounds of it, Vash and Rem were possibly the only ones in this entire generations-long cycle of horror that should have been able to walk away with a perfectly clean conscience.
When Vash said he felt like he might be better, he held him a little tighter, not feeling like he was quite alright anymore. But he corrected himself, slowly letting his arms release until he could pull away, pressing a chest against the hollow-feeling ache underneath his ribs.
"Fuck. I really fucked up. He's just a kid...If I couldn't blame Livio for what he went through, I can't hate your baby brother, especially when he hasn't even done nothin', yet. I'm a fuckin' asshole. God, I'm sorry. I really hope we find 'im before he gets hurt again. He's got a chance, now, you can help keep 'im from breakin' the way he did before, but not if he keeps meetin' shitheads like me out there."
Honestly, he'd felt bad about it before, after he'd managed to come out of the shock of what had happened. This just compounded it all into a deep shame.