His brow furrowed even as Vash said he didn't need to explain and he shook his head, his expression a mixture of bewilderment and resignation.
"Honestly, I probably wouldn't be able to explain real well, anyway. I only found out right before-...well...finding you. And I don't know that I understood exactly what he was talkin' about. Let's just say it wasn't just the Eye that messed him up, they just exploited it."
And then they were back to that old argument, and he frowned, but more out of concern than anger, because after what he'd just said, even after what Nico had explained, what he'd said Meryl and him had seen just before JuLai went up like a third sun, it was so contradictory to what Vash kept telling himself, and he knew that words couldn't really make it better, not when the demons in your head were that deeply entrenched, but he still hated the thought of him carrying that guilt.
"Vash, you just told me your brother tried to...what...force a long-term amnesia on you? Take away everything you are? And Nico told me what he'd seen in JuLai, about how the two of you were fightin' over somethin' he wanted to use to hurt everyone. You were tryin' to save 'em all. You'd just been abused, again, and you were tryin' to protect a whole bunch of other people from bein' hurt. It's not your fault, an' I'm gonna keep sayin' that until it sinks in, even if it takes me until I'm old and grey."
Which, admittedly, wouldn't be all that long, which was another intrusive thought that popped back up into his head and made his face screw itself into another frown as it wove itself into the rest of the awful that he was feeling. So. How long was that list of shit he needed to deal with, now? He still hadn't properly made up for December, not to mention the rest of his miserable, violent tendencies before that, might have gotten Vash separated from Nico, that was still a vague possibility even if he knew he wasn't d-Oh yeah, of course, desecrating a man's grave, hurting Nai, knowing no matter what he did, even if he was able to properly apologize to Vash for what he'd put him through, he was still going to end up hurting him, them, again in a few measly years, anyway, and in a way that he had absolutely no control over.
He gave a pained groan, shaking his head and trying to push the thoughts away. It wasn't doing anyone any good, Blondie had asked him to work on not spiraling to the worst case scenarios. His fucking nihilism was his own worst enemy, and it was a damn hard habit to break.
"I'll stay back when we find 'im again. He's gonna need you, and I know I'm not exactly the most reassuring of people even if you aren't already afraid of me. Then we can...I can...I don't know. I really don't. There's so many things we're juggling right now, I'm not used to huntin' down this many people at once, and we can't just leave him alone, or the kid we found in that town when we find him again, I-...?!?"
His breath caught in his chest in a tiny sort of wheeze when he heard the voice in the distance, and his head shot up, his eyes wide as saucers.
"Oh, Thank God!"
But oh, no, how did they even know it was the one they were looking for??? He shook his head and sighed, throwing a hand up in a wide, half-hearted shrug but reaching over to rest his other hand back on Blondie's back. He didn't want to just leave him here, he said he was alright, but Nick really didn't believe him, and charging up and blubbering at another Vash who didn't even know what he was about to start rambling apologies for would just make him look like a madman.
That didn't mean his face still wasn't trying to twist itself into upset grimaces as he tried to keep from breaking down from a combination of immense relief and also deep shame, the heavy, visceral, physically painful guilt that had hit him at that gravesite in December roaring back to life, now that he might have found the man he needed to beg forgiveness for so much to.
"N-Nothing's wrong. Get over here. Please." He certainly didn't sound like he was fine, but he was not going to shout their problems out across the desert, where God and everyone could hear them. And maybe once he got closer, he'd be able to tell if it was him, or another other version tossed out of his world like the rest of them.
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"Honestly, I probably wouldn't be able to explain real well, anyway. I only found out right before-...well...finding you. And I don't know that I understood exactly what he was talkin' about. Let's just say it wasn't just the Eye that messed him up, they just exploited it."
And then they were back to that old argument, and he frowned, but more out of concern than anger, because after what he'd just said, even after what Nico had explained, what he'd said Meryl and him had seen just before JuLai went up like a third sun, it was so contradictory to what Vash kept telling himself, and he knew that words couldn't really make it better, not when the demons in your head were that deeply entrenched, but he still hated the thought of him carrying that guilt.
"Vash, you just told me your brother tried to...what...force a long-term amnesia on you? Take away everything you are? And Nico told me what he'd seen in JuLai, about how the two of you were fightin' over somethin' he wanted to use to hurt everyone. You were tryin' to save 'em all. You'd just been abused, again, and you were tryin' to protect a whole bunch of other people from bein' hurt. It's not your fault, an' I'm gonna keep sayin' that until it sinks in, even if it takes me until I'm old and grey."
Which, admittedly, wouldn't be all that long, which was another intrusive thought that popped back up into his head and made his face screw itself into another frown as it wove itself into the rest of the awful that he was feeling. So. How long was that list of shit he needed to deal with, now? He still hadn't properly made up for December, not to mention the rest of his miserable, violent tendencies before that, might have gotten Vash separated from Nico, that was still a vague possibility even if he knew he wasn't d-Oh yeah, of course, desecrating a man's grave, hurting Nai, knowing no matter what he did, even if he was able to properly apologize to Vash for what he'd put him through, he was still going to end up hurting him, them, again in a few measly years, anyway, and in a way that he had absolutely no control over.
He gave a pained groan, shaking his head and trying to push the thoughts away. It wasn't doing anyone any good, Blondie had asked him to work on not spiraling to the worst case scenarios. His fucking nihilism was his own worst enemy, and it was a damn hard habit to break.
"I'll stay back when we find 'im again. He's gonna need you, and I know I'm not exactly the most reassuring of people even if you aren't already afraid of me. Then we can...I can...I don't know. I really don't. There's so many things we're juggling right now, I'm not used to huntin' down this many people at once, and we can't just leave him alone, or the kid we found in that town when we find him again, I-...?!?"
His breath caught in his chest in a tiny sort of wheeze when he heard the voice in the distance, and his head shot up, his eyes wide as saucers.
"Oh, Thank God!"
But oh, no, how did they even know it was the one they were looking for??? He shook his head and sighed, throwing a hand up in a wide, half-hearted shrug but reaching over to rest his other hand back on Blondie's back. He didn't want to just leave him here, he said he was alright, but Nick really didn't believe him, and charging up and blubbering at another Vash who didn't even know what he was about to start rambling apologies for would just make him look like a madman.
That didn't mean his face still wasn't trying to twist itself into upset grimaces as he tried to keep from breaking down from a combination of immense relief and also deep shame, the heavy, visceral, physically painful guilt that had hit him at that gravesite in December roaring back to life, now that he might have found the man he needed to beg forgiveness for so much to.
"N-Nothing's wrong. Get over here. Please." He certainly didn't sound like he was fine, but he was not going to shout their problems out across the desert, where God and everyone could hear them. And maybe once he got closer, he'd be able to tell if it was him, or another other version tossed out of his world like the rest of them.