The assurances that he might not be good with most people, but he was good with Vash made his lungs pull in a sharp little breath, something that wanted to be a sniffle but was a bit more like a gasp, and it almost brought him to tears again in a strange sort of relief.
"Yeah?" He wanted to believe it, and when he wasn't buried so far down in his self-loathing that he couldn't breathe, he did. But for the moment, he was floundering, trying to keep his head above the proverbial quicksand, and it was hard to accept. Still, the fingers in his hair helped soothe him further, and his eyes fluttered with it for a moment, letting the words roll over him and do what they could to ease his distress, before one of the points he made sent another stone into his heart with enough weight to make his face crumple again.
"But what if I'm already too broken? What if I'm too far gone?" Because he had been broken for a long, long time now, taken as a child and shattered into so many little pieces and then put back together again, but put back wrong, and he had never been put back right. And it felt, sometimes, like more and more breaks just kept chipping away at him, breaking even further, and how did he know that at this point he wasn't anything but irrepairable dust, slivers and shards that could not be replaced and only sliced through skin when you tried to hold them long enough to piece them back together?
Because right now, that was what he felt like. Broken and wrong and not even worthy to try, something that would just hurt the person trying to fix the mess.
He sniffed again, turning his head to hide his eyes against the crook of his neck in lieu of wiping the tears out of them with filthy hands.
So broken, and yet Vash continued to hope for him, to believe in him and go out of his way to look out for him, and he didn't know how to handle it, sometimes.
"I dont deserve you. Either of you." Maybe...maybe it would be better, to just...let Vash take over. Let him do the thinking for a while, blind optimism be damned. Maybe for a little while, he could just...try to stop thinking about all of it and be the good little follower he was supposed to be, but for them, and not the monsters who had made him this way.
But it was never that simple, was it? He had never been the type to stop the thoughts in his head, the worrying and fretting and anxiety that drove him to lash out at everyone around him. Not even for Vash. Not like Livio and Razlo had done for Chapel for so long.
The offer of water was enough of a distraction to pull him out of his head for just a bit, making him swallow experimentally, take stock of his body and what it needed. His head was splitting, his mouth drier than he'd first noticed, and that made sense. He had probably cried out half his body weight in tears by that point.
So he nodded gently, shifting imperceptibly against his chest as he flexed his fingers under his arms, feeling the visceral need to clean them before he did anything else.
"Probably a good idea, yeah. Think I need to wash up, though. Just a bit. Think the hookups inside will still be on?" With the Plants gone, water would be scarce, but maybe the orphanage had been routed through one of the wells in the area. He'd never had a chance to ask, before.
Re: T_T they are. gods.
"Yeah?" He wanted to believe it, and when he wasn't buried so far down in his self-loathing that he couldn't breathe, he did. But for the moment, he was floundering, trying to keep his head above the proverbial quicksand, and it was hard to accept. Still, the fingers in his hair helped soothe him further, and his eyes fluttered with it for a moment, letting the words roll over him and do what they could to ease his distress, before one of the points he made sent another stone into his heart with enough weight to make his face crumple again.
"But what if I'm already too broken? What if I'm too far gone?" Because he had been broken for a long, long time now, taken as a child and shattered into so many little pieces and then put back together again, but put back wrong, and he had never been put back right. And it felt, sometimes, like more and more breaks just kept chipping away at him, breaking even further, and how did he know that at this point he wasn't anything but irrepairable dust, slivers and shards that could not be replaced and only sliced through skin when you tried to hold them long enough to piece them back together?
Because right now, that was what he felt like. Broken and wrong and not even worthy to try, something that would just hurt the person trying to fix the mess.
He sniffed again, turning his head to hide his eyes against the crook of his neck in lieu of wiping the tears out of them with filthy hands.
So broken, and yet Vash continued to hope for him, to believe in him and go out of his way to look out for him, and he didn't know how to handle it, sometimes.
"I dont deserve you. Either of you." Maybe...maybe it would be better, to just...let Vash take over. Let him do the thinking for a while, blind optimism be damned. Maybe for a little while, he could just...try to stop thinking about all of it and be the good little follower he was supposed to be, but for them, and not the monsters who had made him this way.
But it was never that simple, was it? He had never been the type to stop the thoughts in his head, the worrying and fretting and anxiety that drove him to lash out at everyone around him. Not even for Vash. Not like Livio and Razlo had done for Chapel for so long.
The offer of water was enough of a distraction to pull him out of his head for just a bit, making him swallow experimentally, take stock of his body and what it needed. His head was splitting, his mouth drier than he'd first noticed, and that made sense. He had probably cried out half his body weight in tears by that point.
So he nodded gently, shifting imperceptibly against his chest as he flexed his fingers under his arms, feeling the visceral need to clean them before he did anything else.
"Probably a good idea, yeah. Think I need to wash up, though. Just a bit. Think the hookups inside will still be on?" With the Plants gone, water would be scarce, but maybe the orphanage had been routed through one of the wells in the area. He'd never had a chance to ask, before.