Nicholas' frustration surged despite himself, in that nebulous way it did when Vash was doing and saying things that made no sense, that would just get him hurt and made him want to shake that sense into him, and he fought down the urge to slap the back of his head where it rested on his shoulder. Trying to be better, trying to be kinder, don't hit the man when he was already hurting even if it was infuriating to watch him beat himself up. His face twisted a bit, though, his lines drawing into a thin line before he shook his head and reached up to stroke his fingers over the darker, fuzzy hair of his undercut, and when he spoke again, it was through clenched teeth, stern and serious, because he meant every damn word and wanted it to get through his thick head.
"Vash, no. Listen to me, damnit. You cannot possibly tell me that you, of all people, intentionally did somethin' to help your brother kill people. I know you. I know you. Even when people're beatin' you senseless, you let 'em! The only thing about you that 'disappoints' me is that you keep lettin' yourself take the abuse!" And he hated that Vash would probably find a way of beating himself up over that, too, that it would just reinforce his guilt. "You're not responsible for the actions of other people. I know it makes you feel better, like it's gonna make everything better if you just let the world beat you down hard enough, but you really do deserve to be happy, too."
He let the anger fizzle out a bit, sighing and letting his arms loosen, a bit worried now that he'd gotten it out into the air that Vash would shut down and push away, and he didn't want him to feel trapped. But he didn't immediately let go, either.
"I just...I wish I could get you t'see how much you matter. Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt and accept that you made a mistake, an' I'm still dubious on that because I know how old you are, an' I might not've had a proper education but I can do simple math...One mistake, weighed against over a hundred years of lettin' other people abuse your kindness because you think it was enough to make you unforgivable? That math doesn't add up, either. What matters is that you've been tryin'. You care enough to wanna do better. God as my witness, I may be a terrible priest, but I know for a fact you've done more penance for your sins than most people would even care to try for."
Which...honestly made a sick feeling roll around in his stomach, because it just reminded him of his own sins, his own lies, the blood on his hands, and...fuck it. He wasn't opposed to playing dirty if he thought there was even the smallest chance that it would help. He shifted enough to hold Vash's face in his hands, actually pulling him away from his shoulder enough that he could press his forehead against his own, staring him down through those pale sunglasses, even if he tried to keep his eyes closed.
"Look at me, Vash. Look at me. All that blood you think you got on your hands? That wasn't your choice. You don't even know half of the things I've done. How many times I pulled the trigger, on my own, stabbed someone in the back, on my own. Those deaths weren't mistakes, I intended for every single one of 'em. That's who I am. That's who Nico is. If you think you deserve t'suffer for your mistake, then what's that say about us? I'm tryin' t'be a better man, 'cause that's what bein' around you so much has done to me, but if you don't think you're able to atone for what happened when you were a child, then what do I deserve? If it's really that impossible to make up for the things we've done, then I might as well not even try."
Well NOW he just feels BAD lol
"Vash, no. Listen to me, damnit. You cannot possibly tell me that you, of all people, intentionally did somethin' to help your brother kill people. I know you. I know you. Even when people're beatin' you senseless, you let 'em! The only thing about you that 'disappoints' me is that you keep lettin' yourself take the abuse!" And he hated that Vash would probably find a way of beating himself up over that, too, that it would just reinforce his guilt. "You're not responsible for the actions of other people. I know it makes you feel better, like it's gonna make everything better if you just let the world beat you down hard enough, but you really do deserve to be happy, too."
He let the anger fizzle out a bit, sighing and letting his arms loosen, a bit worried now that he'd gotten it out into the air that Vash would shut down and push away, and he didn't want him to feel trapped. But he didn't immediately let go, either.
"I just...I wish I could get you t'see how much you matter. Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt and accept that you made a mistake, an' I'm still dubious on that because I know how old you are, an' I might not've had a proper education but I can do simple math...One mistake, weighed against over a hundred years of lettin' other people abuse your kindness because you think it was enough to make you unforgivable? That math doesn't add up, either. What matters is that you've been tryin'. You care enough to wanna do better. God as my witness, I may be a terrible priest, but I know for a fact you've done more penance for your sins than most people would even care to try for."
Which...honestly made a sick feeling roll around in his stomach, because it just reminded him of his own sins, his own lies, the blood on his hands, and...fuck it. He wasn't opposed to playing dirty if he thought there was even the smallest chance that it would help. He shifted enough to hold Vash's face in his hands, actually pulling him away from his shoulder enough that he could press his forehead against his own, staring him down through those pale sunglasses, even if he tried to keep his eyes closed.
"Look at me, Vash. Look at me. All that blood you think you got on your hands? That wasn't your choice. You don't even know half of the things I've done. How many times I pulled the trigger, on my own, stabbed someone in the back, on my own. Those deaths weren't mistakes, I intended for every single one of 'em. That's who I am. That's who Nico is. If you think you deserve t'suffer for your mistake, then what's that say about us? I'm tryin' t'be a better man, 'cause that's what bein' around you so much has done to me, but if you don't think you're able to atone for what happened when you were a child, then what do I deserve? If it's really that impossible to make up for the things we've done, then I might as well not even try."