[Things seemed...stranger, when he put it like that. More concerning, at the very least. For things to be so fucked sideways that he would be able to enact some sort of change or aid in some way? That was...he didn't know what that was.
But then Vash's insistence on finding something to help him with, reframing it the way he did, took what had been the beginnings of a tiny paradigm shift and tossed it right over the edge. If he didn't mean physical things, then what? Emotional? Spiritual, no pun intended? Was there anything he had ever..."needed?"
He was quiet for a long while, and if Vash had been able to see him, he would have looked absolutely bewildered, as if he were struggling to understand a big, important concept that had never occurred to him. Instead, he struggled with the realization that...the concept made perfect sense, of course it did. People needed things. Food, water, rest, companionship.
But the thought of applying that concept to himself, now that he was actively thinking on it, was...foreign. And the part of him that knew it should have been a simple thing suddenly felt a little anxiety over the fact that something he thought must have been a thing he'd pondered plenty enough times before was now ephemeral and just out of reach.]
I don't...I don't know. [His voice was soft, confused, and he was too stuck in his own head to notice the very slight touch of anxiety that tinted his words.] I don't need sleep, I can't eat. I just...am. In the early days, sometimes I would try to interact with people in ways that made me feel tired, but it's different than needing to sleep. [Though the act of resting for him wasn't necessarily too unlike taking a nap, only without losing consciousness. But that was quibbling over details.] I guess I haven't thought about it in...a long, long time.
[What could he possibly want? To find his partner, to know he was safe. But Vash had mentioned that already, it wasn't what he meant. Vague feelings, things he remembered wishing he could have again tickled at the back of his mind, long-forgotten and laid to rest, now that they weren't needed and were impossible to have. He...he wanted...
Companionship? Again, that was Vash. The sound of his voice, the closeness of the man he'd spent endless hours speaking to, even if the words never reached him, the man he gravitated towards like a flying worm to an incandescent light.
Again, not helpful.
He wanted...he missed...
Touch. The feeling of skin touching his. A handshake. The weight of an arm around his shoulders. The feeling of fingers grabbing him by the hair and yanking him around in a little half-hearted display of irritation at some little argument that had seemed so important at the time. He couldn't even remember what it had been about, now.
It was all beyond his reach, now. He could..."touch" things, insomuch as he could focus enough to exert a bit of force against them, but it was different. Like the pressure given off by a little jolt of static electricity; it could be felt, but it wasn't tangible. He hadn't felt actual touch in...
.......]
I don't know. But it's fine. Sometimes things just...change...on this side, when you're not...physical, anymore. It's hard to explain. [And he suspected that putting voice to the one answer he'd been able to come up with would have been upsetting for Vash. It wasn't something he could change. There was no sense in making him sad because of something so trivial. Nicholas was fine.]
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But then Vash's insistence on finding something to help him with, reframing it the way he did, took what had been the beginnings of a tiny paradigm shift and tossed it right over the edge. If he didn't mean physical things, then what? Emotional? Spiritual, no pun intended? Was there anything he had ever..."needed?"
He was quiet for a long while, and if Vash had been able to see him, he would have looked absolutely bewildered, as if he were struggling to understand a big, important concept that had never occurred to him. Instead, he struggled with the realization that...the concept made perfect sense, of course it did. People needed things. Food, water, rest, companionship.
But the thought of applying that concept to himself, now that he was actively thinking on it, was...foreign. And the part of him that knew it should have been a simple thing suddenly felt a little anxiety over the fact that something he thought must have been a thing he'd pondered plenty enough times before was now ephemeral and just out of reach.]
I don't...I don't know. [His voice was soft, confused, and he was too stuck in his own head to notice the very slight touch of anxiety that tinted his words.] I don't need sleep, I can't eat. I just...am. In the early days, sometimes I would try to interact with people in ways that made me feel tired, but it's different than needing to sleep. [Though the act of resting for him wasn't necessarily too unlike taking a nap, only without losing consciousness. But that was quibbling over details.] I guess I haven't thought about it in...a long, long time.
[What could he possibly want? To find his partner, to know he was safe. But Vash had mentioned that already, it wasn't what he meant. Vague feelings, things he remembered wishing he could have again tickled at the back of his mind, long-forgotten and laid to rest, now that they weren't needed and were impossible to have. He...he wanted...
Companionship? Again, that was Vash. The sound of his voice, the closeness of the man he'd spent endless hours speaking to, even if the words never reached him, the man he gravitated towards like a flying worm to an incandescent light.
Again, not helpful.
He wanted...he missed...
Touch. The feeling of skin touching his. A handshake. The weight of an arm around his shoulders. The feeling of fingers grabbing him by the hair and yanking him around in a little half-hearted display of irritation at some little argument that had seemed so important at the time. He couldn't even remember what it had been about, now.
It was all beyond his reach, now. He could..."touch" things, insomuch as he could focus enough to exert a bit of force against them, but it was different. Like the pressure given off by a little jolt of static electricity; it could be felt, but it wasn't tangible. He hadn't felt actual touch in...
.......]
I don't know. But it's fine. Sometimes things just...change...on this side, when you're not...physical, anymore. It's hard to explain. [And he suspected that putting voice to the one answer he'd been able to come up with would have been upsetting for Vash. It wasn't something he could change. There was no sense in making him sad because of something so trivial. Nicholas was fine.]