[He could sense a shift that made him tense, concern spiking. In the short time between Vash reached out to hold him and now, he had locked up, fallen into his own head again, and there was a moment when Wolfwood was worried, already beginning to try and figure out what he needed to do to bring him back down. Only Vash was clutching him tighter, growling in a way that suddenly made Nick's blood rush to his head in a way that he absolutely did not want to analyze when Vash wasn't in his right mind, holy fuck, and those wings closed in tighter, making him jerk slightly and move closer, his hand flattening across the soft down on his cheek reflexively...
And it was like a lightning bolt shot through his body, locking his joints up all at once, making his lungs hitch as thoughts and memories and emotions flooded into his mind. Possessive, feral, desperate, his, his, his! Part of his mind reeled, recognizing dimly that he had somehow connected with Vash's mind, but the rational part of him was buffeted like a man lost in a sandstorm, in a typhoon, and all that was left was raw emotion.
The shock of it when the reality of what he was feeling hit him would have been enough to make his body freeze if he hadn't already, but simply knowing what it was could have never prepared him for the intensity of it, for the shock of every memory jolting through his mind with love, gentle at first, but quickly spiraling into something he couldn't possibly hope to contain. Guilt at the sight of himself laying in a bed, joy at reuniting, the trauma of his imprisonment, it was too much, too much, how, why? Why him???
And then the memory of sitting, perched quietly on a rooftop, waiting for Nicholas to pull the trigger, knowing he was just behind, gun cocked at the back of his head, knowing how much of a coward he'd been and still willing to let him do it! Wolfwood's lungs hitched, trying to gasp for breath as horror hit him, shame, he wanted to scream, he couldn't hear anything outside of his own head to know if he was even making a sound, but he wanted to scream!
I don't deserve it! No! No! No! How could he deserve so much love when he'd nearly been the one to kill him??? When he'd been the one to betray him??? He was a monster, a coward, he didn't deserve this, it hurt, he wanted it so much and it hurt!
I want to spend all my tomorrows with him. The memory of the moment his own body had stopped and Vash struggling to breathe, the sensation so much like the feeling of actually dying, the moment he'd felt his heart stop inside of his chest, hearing the church bells, hearing Vash breaking down in those last few seconds of consciousness before the darkness swallowed him up and just knowing it was the last thing he would do, that he was breaking his heart and it was his fault, all his fault, Hell was waiting for him and he deserved it for this single act alone!
That last memory merged with one of his own, with the moment after, of another campfire, at his back, waking up and turning to see the face of the man he loved so much it terrified him, only he was different, softer, younger, the same and not the same and he was too dazed and guilt-ridden with the thought that he was dying to realize what was actually happening.
The love and the pain he felt from Vash echoed against the feelings of love and uncontainable shame he felt in his own heart, leaving him violently shaking, his eyes unfocused and wide as he clung to the only thing sturdy enough to support his weight when his legs threatened to give out from under him. Even if he had realized that the connection with those delicate, downy feathers under his hand was what was keeping him locked inside of Vash's mind, he wouldn't have been able to move to pull away. He really did feel like he couldn't breathe, gasping in loud, audibly whining gulps of air, his fingers curling, clutching, clawing at the solid form underneath him.]
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And it was like a lightning bolt shot through his body, locking his joints up all at once, making his lungs hitch as thoughts and memories and emotions flooded into his mind. Possessive, feral, desperate, his, his, his! Part of his mind reeled, recognizing dimly that he had somehow connected with Vash's mind, but the rational part of him was buffeted like a man lost in a sandstorm, in a typhoon, and all that was left was raw emotion.
The shock of it when the reality of what he was feeling hit him would have been enough to make his body freeze if he hadn't already, but simply knowing what it was could have never prepared him for the intensity of it, for the shock of every memory jolting through his mind with love, gentle at first, but quickly spiraling into something he couldn't possibly hope to contain. Guilt at the sight of himself laying in a bed, joy at reuniting, the trauma of his imprisonment, it was too much, too much, how, why? Why him???
And then the memory of sitting, perched quietly on a rooftop, waiting for Nicholas to pull the trigger, knowing he was just behind, gun cocked at the back of his head, knowing how much of a coward he'd been and still willing to let him do it! Wolfwood's lungs hitched, trying to gasp for breath as horror hit him, shame, he wanted to scream, he couldn't hear anything outside of his own head to know if he was even making a sound, but he wanted to scream!
I don't deserve it! No! No! No! How could he deserve so much love when he'd nearly been the one to kill him??? When he'd been the one to betray him??? He was a monster, a coward, he didn't deserve this, it hurt, he wanted it so much and it hurt!
I want to spend all my tomorrows with him. The memory of the moment his own body had stopped and Vash struggling to breathe, the sensation so much like the feeling of actually dying, the moment he'd felt his heart stop inside of his chest, hearing the church bells, hearing Vash breaking down in those last few seconds of consciousness before the darkness swallowed him up and just knowing it was the last thing he would do, that he was breaking his heart and it was his fault, all his fault, Hell was waiting for him and he deserved it for this single act alone!
That last memory merged with one of his own, with the moment after, of another campfire, at his back, waking up and turning to see the face of the man he loved so much it terrified him, only he was different, softer, younger, the same and not the same and he was too dazed and guilt-ridden with the thought that he was dying to realize what was actually happening.
The love and the pain he felt from Vash echoed against the feelings of love and uncontainable shame he felt in his own heart, leaving him violently shaking, his eyes unfocused and wide as he clung to the only thing sturdy enough to support his weight when his legs threatened to give out from under him. Even if he had realized that the connection with those delicate, downy feathers under his hand was what was keeping him locked inside of Vash's mind, he wouldn't have been able to move to pull away. He really did feel like he couldn't breathe, gasping in loud, audibly whining gulps of air, his fingers curling, clutching, clawing at the solid form underneath him.]