It was not part of a plan. Vash did not have a plan, not like that.
On the better days, it was a... hope. That one day he would be able to rest, to not have to fear the next time he would mess up and hurt more people... when the memories wouldn't fill him with weariness and grief he did not allow himself to feel.
On the worse days, he felt like he would never be granted that relief, condemned to wander and lose everyone, unto eternity. Which was why on the worse days he was more reckless, both to prove to himself exactly what he feared, and because then he cared less about the pain or consequences.
But Wolfwood's words hit him like a sandsteamer, the grief, the tears, the wrecked whisper, raw and torn out of parts of Wolfwood that he kept walled up behind anger and bluster and violence. It made Vash force himself into some semblance of inner balance. They couldn't... they could not both break. Not at the same time.
He leaned forward until their foreheads were against each other, then he pressed a little, just to remind Wolfwood that he was here. And he smiled. Not the smile that was bordering on manic but a smaller smile, the kind that let his ache come through, just a little.
"It... I understand. I'm sorry. I do understand. It's - not something that I've had to deal with for a long time. But every time you - either of you - pushes me out of harm's way, I understand. Every time you yell at me. It fights with what I've learned for this long, and often my body reacts before my mind can stop it." Deep breath. "And you have made it hurt so much less already. Both of you."
Vash closed his eyes. "For the first time in a very long time, you've showed me there was something more than, go, try to help, watch things turn into a disaster, run, try again, try again. You've given me joy and ... something that can only happen when you're working, fighting, with someone who understands you. When we move as a team, it's - I know I'm not alone." That was not the same as stopping the hurting. But it gave him something more than just hurt.
I s2g I wrote a tag for this before sleep and wanted to edit it but ig I didn't.
On the better days, it was a... hope. That one day he would be able to rest, to not have to fear the next time he would mess up and hurt more people... when the memories wouldn't fill him with weariness and grief he did not allow himself to feel.
On the worse days, he felt like he would never be granted that relief, condemned to wander and lose everyone, unto eternity. Which was why on the worse days he was more reckless, both to prove to himself exactly what he feared, and because then he cared less about the pain or consequences.
But Wolfwood's words hit him like a sandsteamer, the grief, the tears, the wrecked whisper, raw and torn out of parts of Wolfwood that he kept walled up behind anger and bluster and violence. It made Vash force himself into some semblance of inner balance. They couldn't... they could not both break. Not at the same time.
He leaned forward until their foreheads were against each other, then he pressed a little, just to remind Wolfwood that he was here. And he smiled. Not the smile that was bordering on manic but a smaller smile, the kind that let his ache come through, just a little.
"It... I understand. I'm sorry. I do understand. It's - not something that I've had to deal with for a long time. But every time you - either of you - pushes me out of harm's way, I understand. Every time you yell at me. It fights with what I've learned for this long, and often my body reacts before my mind can stop it." Deep breath. "And you have made it hurt so much less already. Both of you."
Vash closed his eyes. "For the first time in a very long time, you've showed me there was something more than, go, try to help, watch things turn into a disaster, run, try again, try again. You've given me joy and ... something that can only happen when you're working, fighting, with someone who understands you. When we move as a team, it's - I know I'm not alone." That was not the same as stopping the hurting. But it gave him something more than just hurt.