[He had been doing relatively well, he thought, keeping himself from completely breaking down. Real bang-up job, he hadn't deteriorated into openly weeping and making a fool of himself, yet. Which, to be honest, had actually been easier said than done on more than one occasion over the past couple of years. Vash leaning in to complete the hold and burying him in his arms, though, made that a damn bit harder, and he felt himself lock up for a moment, unsure what to do with his limbs before finally wrapping them around his chest.
He hadn't paid enough attention before, too caught up in the moment to actually see it, but from where his face nestled against Vash's shoulder, he could see now the tears, the blood stains, fresh enough that they hadn't fully oxidized into an ugly dark brown. It made the hand he finally reached up to clutch at that shoulder still before he could grip down, even though he knew Vash's healing would have already taken care of the damage by now. He remembered the sight of the blades sticking out of him, the way Vash had caught him in that same moment as a blade in his thigh had sent him stumbling, and how the entire world had seemed to shift, the way Vash's demeanor had gone cold. Wolfwood. Crush him. Letting him do what he hated to see him do, giving him express permission to do it. How wrong it had felt.
Had he realized what was happening, then? He'd stood by for so long, his back turned while the fight continued, and even now, so long after it had happened, the memory was burned into his brain. That had been his fault. He'd taken those hits because of him. More scars added on top of old scars because Wolfwood had been a fucking moron.
He felt his breath hiccupping in his chest as he nodded sharply, burying his face in that shoulder and finally letting his fingers grip tightly in the red fabric of his coat, clinging tightly.]
It's okay. It's okay. [He felt like the world was rumbling again underneath their feet, but dimly realized that it was his own body shaking.] I...I never thought I'd see you again. I-...
[He bit his lip, hard enough to taste copper. He was shutting up, now, wasn't he? Holding back all those 'stupid things' that wanted to roll out of him in a flurry of pain and panic that he knew Vash didn't want to hear. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I fucked up, I got you hurt, it's my fault! I don't deserve this! You don't deserve to have to deal with a fucked up monster like me! You should hate me, why can't you just hate me???
And despite all of that, the relief he felt, finally seeing him again, being held against him, was what finally broke his composure, and the dam keeping his sobbing contained crumbled in a pathetic cascade of ugly crying.]
no subject
He hadn't paid enough attention before, too caught up in the moment to actually see it, but from where his face nestled against Vash's shoulder, he could see now the tears, the blood stains, fresh enough that they hadn't fully oxidized into an ugly dark brown. It made the hand he finally reached up to clutch at that shoulder still before he could grip down, even though he knew Vash's healing would have already taken care of the damage by now. He remembered the sight of the blades sticking out of him, the way Vash had caught him in that same moment as a blade in his thigh had sent him stumbling, and how the entire world had seemed to shift, the way Vash's demeanor had gone cold. Wolfwood. Crush him. Letting him do what he hated to see him do, giving him express permission to do it. How wrong it had felt.
Had he realized what was happening, then? He'd stood by for so long, his back turned while the fight continued, and even now, so long after it had happened, the memory was burned into his brain. That had been his fault. He'd taken those hits because of him. More scars added on top of old scars because Wolfwood had been a fucking moron.
He felt his breath hiccupping in his chest as he nodded sharply, burying his face in that shoulder and finally letting his fingers grip tightly in the red fabric of his coat, clinging tightly.]
It's okay. It's okay. [He felt like the world was rumbling again underneath their feet, but dimly realized that it was his own body shaking.] I...I never thought I'd see you again. I-...
[He bit his lip, hard enough to taste copper. He was shutting up, now, wasn't he? Holding back all those 'stupid things' that wanted to roll out of him in a flurry of pain and panic that he knew Vash didn't want to hear. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I fucked up, I got you hurt, it's my fault! I don't deserve this! You don't deserve to have to deal with a fucked up monster like me! You should hate me, why can't you just hate me???
And despite all of that, the relief he felt, finally seeing him again, being held against him, was what finally broke his composure, and the dam keeping his sobbing contained crumbled in a pathetic cascade of ugly crying.]